Have dealt asertively with my real estate agents who are supposedly supporting me in leasing my apartment.
Can I mention names? Century21-Newcastle? Ahem? OMG what a mess...
And can i personally thank the president of the New South Wales Real Estate Networking Group, ormwhatever he chooses to introduce himself as, so quaint, so bloody smug and boastful....?
Since last Post: Have been drinking solidly and completely up to my old tricks, unfortunately. Almost too embarrassed to write or reflect on my behaviour and choices.
Have been spending my nights drinking wine and watching the football games from 9pm until I fall asleep.
Not being at all conscious or attentive to my drinking problem. So I deserve to feel like shit - and I surely do... and tired during the day.
My wife is almost 'enablingly' understanding of my patheticness, but just taking a pic and leaving it to me to discern is another gentle(?) reminder that this drinking caper has to end.
Since Last Post - Have just closed a marathon working session and am feeling justifiably proud of myself. Have been working round the clock for the last week and I am looking forward to going out for a meal and some drinks with some friends.
Day 92 - The Before Shot - Anticipation and Preparation
Have booked the restaurant and and although we failed to get our preferred fine dining experience, have nonetheless found a decent enough place. Have bought a case of premium Boags Lager 5% and am just finishing the first 375ml bottle as I write this without a hint of irony.
Please staty tuned I will fill you in on the night and how I handle drinking after having a good four days off the drink. As is standard after a hiatus, I am feeling fresh, clear headed and my thoughts are quick and coherent.
Happy Birthday to me. The Last drinking birthday, 36 years old today.
Since Last Post - Keeping out of trouble, just working and staying free of the booze. Haven't had much time to do anything but work and sleep. Have been quite direct and assertive in the workplace, which colleagues have noticed is out of the ordinary. Perhaps since I am mentally fit and not half-crippled with a thumping hangover I am more confident and less vulnerable to being manipulated in the workplace? Day 93 - The Economics of Drinking... 1. Opportunity Cost
I have noticed how my constant hangover means I have to almost hang my head in shame and be invisible when with most work colleagues, for fear of being exposed as stinking of alcohol or having bleary bloodshot eyes.
In practice, this means I am compliant and obedient and will suffer almost any directive to avoid being exposed. It has cruelled my career, as when an opportunity is present, my hazy hangovers have meant I have had to literally take a raincheck; wait until I am fresher or more clear headed, and then hope the opportunity presents again. But too often the moment is lost - or more likely even if it does present again, I am hungover again - or in too much of a rush to get home and get on it - to take action.
In economics, this is called Opportunity Cost, ie the cost of taking one path is the lost opportunity of taking the other path. 2. Hidden or External CostsHidden costs are items not quantified directly in the cost of the good. Like greenhouse gases when we drive our car. Or Oil spills in the price of buying fuel. Or ear damage from going to a rock concert. Or not having meaningful conversations after about 5pm when you are an alcoholic.
Far and away a greater cost involved in being an alcoholic are the externalities like poor health, chronic tiredness, low frustration threshold, inability to plan or schedule beyond the point of "starting drinking for the night/day"> Here's my exepriences one by one.
Poor Health - Even though I run around the streets for 4km a few times a month, my health is entirely a charade as a heavy drinker. Thickset middle, cherry red cheeks, easily falling into junk food when hungover.
Chronic Tiredness - I used to laugh that we should have siestas and that a little doze in the afternoon was a luxury that I deserved. But it was all really bullshit to disguise the fact that I couldn't put myself to bed before every drip of alcohol had been drunk in the house, no matter what the time. Sometimes it was enough just to get the last wine into the glass so I could spill it over myself - at least the bottle was empty.
Low Frustration Threshold - When I'm tired, with a headache and I know it's only an hour or so till I can start drinking, watch out if you delay my progress. It gets my heart racing and I can be almost road rage worthy should someone stumble in the way.
Inability to Plan beyond the first drink - The evening plans are basically get alcohol, some savoury snacks perhaps, and them, well, just let me be and stand clear....
The Economics of Drinking, forgetting the actual financial costs, is depressingly real and unfortunately has been a part of my life for over ten years...
Since Last Post - Did stop by the pub and have a glass of beer late in the afternoon as is the habit. Really just relishes with anticipation that first sweet, frothy sip and suddenly I am sitting in a dark pub with some wrinkly, sombre locals head down reading the paper. Not the best feeling.
Day 94 - Working through a Phase
Worked the night shift last night and am back on this afternoon for the evening shift - am squashing eight shifts into seven days, plus the business so have literally got no time for much else.
Again, this is part of my binge-dry-bust-binge cycle.
I was coming off a nine day bender where I had a 22 or so bottles of red wine (and assorted miscellaneous beers in the meantime) and then I started this blog in the hazy afterglow feeling absolutely deathly. Now, with some reflection and moderation, and a few days of non-drinking, I am feeling almost normal again.
So I plough into my work and do crazy overtime and hardly see anyone at home and think of making some meaningful inroads into the debt. Nothing is too much, I accept marginal orders and go nuts with the personal care and attention so the customers gush.
But it all has to end, doesn't it?
Well it can't end for another three days as I have to do some more back to back shifts, then after Saturday morning shift I have a Birthday celebration to go to - MINE! So I guess I will let it end there in front of some valued friends I haven't seen in a while. uh oh.
Initially we booked a table of eight in the members gallery at the races, which, being a long weekend, and considering the last Saturday meeting was cancelled due to the weather, is destined to be a huge turn out. But I was not confident I could handle my usual drinking pattern at the races, which is bottle after bottle of $24 champagne (sparkling semillon). I know it sounds sickly sweet and bubbles, and it is. But I can drink heaps of it and I'm not forced to spend the whole outing standing in line at the bar, which, even in the members stand is shoulder to shoulder.
So we settled on a fine dining restaurant with a tapas pre-dinner drinks (of course, being me, we have also plans for post-dinner drinks). It should be a great evening and will be drinking expensive wine, not that that is ever a reason to slow down.
Anyway, not much time for reflection today. Have been thumbing through a copy of Alan Carr's Control your Alcohol, a book I read a couple of years ago. Basically it is a suspenseful tale leading up to this great revelation that is supposed to be a great tip to help one control their alcohol intake. More tomorrow.
Since Last Post - Working night shifts. Working on the business during the day. Missing a bit of sleep so tired at times and vulnerable to lapsing into drink. Thinking about the drinking when driving about and when having some quiet times to myself.
Day 95 - Drinking is not an Event, or a Reason to get Elevated
I have found on reflection that when I am getting tired in the afternoon I have developed a tendency to take an incident or event of the day and focus on it and somehow turn it into an opportunity or excuse to drink that night. This may take a moment to explain, but I'll do my best.
Perhaps we got a great order, or on the other hand suffered an embarrasing cancellation or complaint, or some business thing went well, or wrong or is in disorder... anything like that, or even a persoanl or family thing. Pretty much any incident that occurs, good or bad, can be turned into an excuse for a drinking of celebration or a drinking of escape.
I can ruminate on it for an hour or so, either congratulating myself and saying what an achievement it was, which sometimes is the case and it is a worthy achievement. But then other times it is just a sullen excuse to be sour and bitter and get smashed for no real reason other than out of frustration.
Since Last Post - Have not had a drink for a couple of days now. Sweating like crazy last night, woke up damp all over my torso - not sure if it was the heating or my body cleansing.
Day 96 -
Busy with work commitments this morning and afternoon and have other business to attend to after work so will not have time to think about the drink. Sort of substituting being busy for thinking about it.
Also, am clearer and less like I am angry and about to explode.
Even though this is a short post, have not much to comment on as am feeling calm and focused on work.
Have been reading more blogs too.
Found this particularly salient blog, (I have italicized my comments)
Why Stop Drinking?
The long-term effects of bad habits are rarely sufficient to motivate people to change their lives. The near-term benefits of giving up alcohol are much more useful and interesting anyway. Here are the changes I experienced: Indeed, it is a closed cycle of drink, reward, drunk, dry, thirsty, tired, drink etc etc for me.
•Productive socializing. Talking to strangers is a great way to build character, but its benefits are greatly reduced when you’re drunk. The alcohol represses much of the social anxiety, which inhibits lasting change. But the only thing more terrifyingly fun than getting drunk and meeting a bunch of new people is staying sober and meeting a bunch of new people. I have been using it as a cloak for meaninngless chit chat since I can remember. I cringe when I think back to what I have blubbered the night before nearly everytime. I don't even have the confidence now to go out to a drink-centred event cause I am so scared of just letting go and getting smashed and being a complete dickhead. So I can't even go out and have a drink anyway.
•Avoid Poor Diet and Fast Food. Free will collapses under the weight of insobriety and convenience. With enough alcohol in your system, even the most wretched burger joint becomes an irresistible sanctuary. True, and this extrends to the morning and day after, when I crave just about anything to fill the hangover hunger regardless of the health benefits. Same goes for eating or lack of it when drinking - too often I skip a meal or delay it to keep the "shine" on and then end up eating some processed crap or fast food.
•Reclaim lost time. Let’s say you have a few drinks around the house, three times a week, and that light touch of drunkenness costs you three hours of productive thinking each time. Within one year, you’ll have shaved about one full month off your life. That’s a lot of lost CPU time that could have been put towards reading a book, writing a speech, playing a sport, or even starting a business. Being in that smug, slef satisfied drunken haze is utterly non-productive in my life. I used to remember as a kid the alco's house with the untended garden and unpainted walls and rotting wood. That is actually my house, now. Instead of sitting here half shot, I could be doing stuff to improve our lives - even exercising!
•Get rich quickly. You don’t have to party that hard to spend $100-$150/week or more on alcohol and related expenses. If you quit drinking today, you could reasonably expect to convert that choice into a bankroll for backpacking around the world in about six months. It is expensive, and like cigarettes i quit on December 12, 2009, a debilitating financial disease as well.
•Become an early riser. I’m currently readjusting my sleep schedule to wake up at 5:30 AM, seven days a week. Alcohol, and the lifestyle that often accompanies it, work against this process. Alcohol makes me feel tired when I want to feel energetic and awake. Ironically, it also increases wakefulness during sleep. Or I have these unexplained afternoon sleeps, where I am simply so tired I fall asleep before dinner.
I can feel the long slow exhale of the elephant in the room on the back of my neck.
Since Last Post - Have not had anything last night or today, and will not either. Just one day at a time. Slept well.
Day 97 - Today they Buried a Whale.
Have been reading plenty of personal stories on other blogs about being sober and it is refreshing to see that I am not alone. Have had some worthwhile comments posted so am inspired to keep progressing. Interestingly, most other blogs concentrate on the 100 days of being sober after they have ceased drinking. Anyway that is what I have chosen.
Today a whale washed up dead at the local beach and they have brought in bulldozers and equipment to dig a four metre hole to put it in. The locals are up in arms, saying the rotting flesh will be bait for sharks.
Just goes to show no matter how big or invincible you are we all have to end somewhere, just being buried on a beach sounds very beautiful.
Short post, am busy today.
Since last Post - Finished up last night watching final of the French Open Tennis and managed to make it to bed. Woke up with a half drunken beer on the bedside table, so I drank it when no one was looking. Half a bottle of tepid, flat beer on a Sunday morning. As good as it gets.
Day 98 - Outing with Family then work until 11pm.
Had a thumping headache this morning - drank the beer and had a couple of paracetamol to take the edge off. Then took the wife and kids out to walk along an old railway line - it has been restored so it is a lovely cycleway with tunnels and curving through the rainforest. Just had to put my head down and walk through the early haze and after a few hundred metres was feeling a bit better.
Then, had a moment of devastating clarity on my way to work this afternoon. Felt that grungy, alone, depressed feeling and played some sombre Radiohead to fill the void.
When I'm extra tired, half hungover and forced to do something I don't like, I get this way, and ruminate over past wrongs and historic injustices. Its all very indulgent and pathetic and its gets me feeling angry, sullen and not grateful. It is so easy to reach for another drink and stamp out this feeling - but not when I have to go to work. So I have to just face it alone and handle. It is the lowest feeling of the week.
This blog is really a cause to reflect for me and realise just how absorbing all the drinking is in my life. And how I have to grow up and let it go. Its all been about "You don't have to totally give up alcohol" because it would make everyone else awkward I think, if they thought "Oh no, we can't invite him, he doesn't drink"
Since Last Post -
Left the Office around 10pm yesterday and whilst watching the football drank a a bottle and a half of Cabernet Shiraz. Didn't Fall asleep anywhere, managed to put myself into bed before midnight and doze off watching some late night TV.
Day 99 - Family Haircuts and Day Outing
Spent the morning listening (enduring) the shrill exclamations of our family hairdresser. He's a fifty year old married foster carer who currently has three foster children from a challenging background. The sullen kids mope around and seek attention and interaction - and I try to share with them and play Mousetrap and show interest but at the same time manage my children and nurse a dull hangover.
Shared general angriness and frustration at simple things like the car being low on fuel. Was embarrassed at myself for yelling and exposing the frustration gene to my daughters.
By lunchtime we're on the road and head home - I crash on the couch and fall asleep for an hour after lunch and am woken by the girls tapping on my shoulder. So we head out again and walk along the beach, stop by a park for a ride on the swings, then walk the round trip along the beach front walking track. A couple of hours in the fresh winter ocean air does wonders.
But I'm still planning tonights' drink and we stop by the shop on the way home and I get a six pack of beer and a bottle of wine.
I've already had the six pack and am onto the wine now. Guess you can tell when I've been drinking? Have followed the evening routine and put the girls to bed, now I am just sitting here drinking and typing into the laptop. Have been trolling the net for more sites to share with and will try and find some followers/readers tonight so it doesn't feel so much like I'm talking to myself.
There are so many sites out there with genuine people who have already given away the booze, and how they are living fresh new lives without alcohol, like running or following Buddhism.
Remember, some personal rules like No Drink on Saturdays are a great self-control starting point.
Can't wait to have that time soon.
Should start a Links or Blogs I follow page.
My name is Red and I am finally conceding that I am a functioning alcoholic. It is with a mixture of shame and relief that I say that. I have a beautiful wife, a home, a business, and two lovely daughters (one year and three years old). I have made the choice to stop drinking completely and be a responsible and worthy husband, father and part of the community.
100 Days to Sober
This journal is a very personal journey over the last 100 Days I will be drinking and my thoughts and feelings as I near the Sober Date, September 13, 2010. I didn't particularly pick that day as anything special, just that it was far enough away into the future to seem as though I can sort of still drink now (and tonight even), but that I have made a commitment and will work towards being completely sober by that day.
I have several business blogs, filled with not-so-sincere postings on marketing and selling and converting visitors to sales, and just this evening I was reading some blogs and thought why don't people actually really comment and follow me, that I have to have this phony commerce network where we all chat and comment but none of it really has any meaning beyond generating traffic for our online businesses.
So I went back to work and thought about it for a while, and noticed that, today, I was driving around doing business and meeting clients but I was under a cloud of frustration and almost anger that I had to do it. And I thought well, what else could I be doing - working at my own business is almost a pleasure, and I should be feeling grateful and enthused. But I felt resentful, bitter and almost vengeful of everything that was in my way.
And the two ideas merged - I should be meaningful, honest and open with a fully personal blog, and I should share exactly what I feel is holding me back, and write about how I am working my way through my challenge and let people read and comment on that. Then the blog would have meaning, be actually useful personally to me beyond just a funnel for new business, and what's most important, I would be confronting my biggest personal challenge - being Sober all the time, and not being in a frustrated rush to get smashed as soon as possible.
Where I am today
At present, if I am completely honest, I work two jobs, run my own business with my wife, raise two kids but I do all this for about 50% of the time, so I can have the rest of the time to myself, so I can get smashed.
The pattern at the moment is drinking red wine from about 2pm until around 6pm, then maybe have some dinner and then continue drinking until I either pass out, fall asleep on the lounge, or whatever else happens. Sometimes I may have a yell and shout if my wife interferes with my drinking after dinner, but she has largely learnt just to let me go on my way. I drink between two and three bottles of red wine in a session and have had a session for the last ten days straight. As you can imagine, I'm dehydrated and tired among other things.
Why it's not Working for Me Anymore
I have had enough of drinking Alcohol and waking up sick and being tired all the time.
I worry that my daughters are getting to an age that I am damaging them, let alone my wife.
The Commitment
I will cease drinking in 100 Days, so I can experience life with more control.
I will try all therapies and methods and document my experiences in this blog.
I will monitor my drinking and keep tabs on what actually goes down my throat. So here goes...
