Since Last Post - Working night shifts. Working on the business during the day. Missing a bit of sleep so tired at times and vulnerable to lapsing into drink. Thinking about the drinking when driving about and when having some quiet times to myself.
Day 95 - Drinking is not an Event, or a Reason to get Elevated
I have found on reflection that when I am getting tired in the afternoon I have developed a tendency to take an incident or event of the day and focus on it and somehow turn it into an opportunity or excuse to drink that night. This may take a moment to explain, but I'll do my best.
Perhaps we got a great order, or on the other hand suffered an embarrasing cancellation or complaint, or some business thing went well, or wrong or is in disorder... anything like that, or even a persoanl or family thing. Pretty much any incident that occurs, good or bad, can be turned into an excuse for a drinking of celebration or a drinking of escape.
I can ruminate on it for an hour or so, either congratulating myself and saying what an achievement it was, which sometimes is the case and it is a worthy achievement. But then other times it is just a sullen excuse to be sour and bitter and get smashed for no real reason other than out of frustration.
An important journey. I will be following with great interest. Good Luck
ReplyDeleteThe more you study the alcoholic thinking the more irrational it looks :)
ReplyDeletebasically we are programmed to self-destruct by the default reasoning that medicating our situation will somehow make it more bearable. a strange approach to emotional intelligence given that, for many of us, drinking frequently got us into all sorts of problems. some life-threatening.
the bad news is, that not just alcoholic thinking is irrational, but most thinking is very irrational and doesn't stand up to much scrutiny. meditation is just a vehicle for observing the mind, and most people who attend meditation classes will tell you that they have observed that their mind is completely irrational. :)
self-awareness is an endlessly fascinating journey, but one I never got to start in earnest until I came to AA, and it's a class you can never really graduate from. the mind is sneaky thing, and its capacity to delude humans is astonishing. in alcoholics the primary delusion is that alcohol presents no real problem, but the extent of the delusion goes much deeper than that. its a fascinating observation of the human condition. I am glad that you are learning how to notice the arbitrariness of justification for drinking. there is plenty more unquestioned, arbitrary, and unconscious thinking left for you to discover. but don't worry. it's not that bad. you have to learn how to not take itself too seriously. without that, it's very difficult.
anyway nice to read your posts. keep it up as it makes for interesting reading :)
My brain can make anything into a celebation! But it doesn't always have to involve alcohol luckily, shall read this blog wiht interest xxx
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