Day 100 - The Beginning of the End

My name is Red and I am finally conceding that I am a functioning alcoholic.  It is with a mixture of shame and relief that I say that.  I have a beautiful wife, a home, a business, and two lovely daughters (one year and three years old).  I have made the choice to stop drinking completely and be a responsible and worthy husband, father and part of the community.



100 Days to Sober
This journal is a very personal journey over the last 100 Days I will be drinking and my thoughts and feelings as I near the Sober Date, September 13, 2010.  I didn't particularly pick that day as anything special, just that it was far enough away into the future to seem as though I can sort of still drink now (and tonight even), but that I have made a commitment and will work towards being completely sober by that day.

I have several business blogs, filled with not-so-sincere postings on marketing and selling and converting visitors to sales, and just this evening I was reading some blogs and thought why don't people actually really comment and follow me, that I have to have this phony commerce network where we all chat and comment but none of it really has any meaning beyond generating traffic for our online businesses.

So I went back to work and thought about it for a while, and noticed that, today, I was driving around doing business and meeting clients but I was under a cloud of frustration and almost anger that I had to do it.  And I thought well, what else could I be doing - working at my own business is almost a pleasure, and I should be feeling grateful and enthused.  But I felt resentful, bitter and almost vengeful of everything that was in my way.
And the two ideas merged - I should be meaningful, honest and open with a fully personal blog, and I should share exactly what I feel is holding me back, and write about how I am working my way through my challenge and let people read and comment on that.  Then the blog would have meaning, be actually useful personally to me beyond just a funnel for new business, and what's most important, I would be confronting my biggest personal challenge - being Sober all the time, and not being in a frustrated rush to get smashed as soon as possible.
Where I am today
At present, if I am completely honest, I work two jobs, run my own business with my wife, raise two kids but I do all this for about 50% of the time, so I can have the rest of the time to myself, so I can get smashed. 

The pattern at the moment is drinking red wine from about 2pm until around 6pm, then maybe have some dinner and then continue drinking until I either pass out, fall asleep on the lounge, or whatever else happens.  Sometimes I may have a yell and shout if my wife interferes with my drinking after dinner, but she has largely learnt just to let me go on my way.  I drink between two and three bottles of red wine in a session and have had a session for the last ten days straight.  As you can imagine, I'm dehydrated and tired among other things.

Why it's not Working for Me Anymore
I have had enough of drinking Alcohol and waking up sick and being tired all the time.
I worry that my daughters are getting to an age that I am damaging them, let alone my wife.

The Commitment
I will cease drinking in 100 Days, so I can experience life with more control.
I will try all therapies and methods and document my experiences in this blog.
I will monitor my drinking and keep tabs on what actually goes down my throat.  So here goes...