- 41 years old
- Married since 2005
- Father of three strong daughters
- Lives by the beach a couple of hours north of Sydney, Australia.
- I quit my day job back in 2012 and work from home as a writer.
I've been writing since I can remember – and blogging since 2007. In the meantime, I developed a ravenous addiction to alcohol. And it nearly ruined me – my alcohol addiction was completely devastating and at my rock bottom moments I truly did, as Robin Williams put it “violate my own standards quicker than I could lower them.”
Alcohol has taken me amazing places and exposed me to a deep shame that I work to loosen everyday. This deep shame led to self doubt and self loathing and self pity and straight back to alcohol. (see infographic below) So I quit once, twice, three times, and then found myself (dop, dop, dop) pouring myself another glass of wine. It might have been weeks, or months, or even over a year, but that cycle of shame cruelled my bravest efforts to stay sober.
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| Always finding new ways to keep on drinking... |
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| The shame cycle - always leads back to drinking |
I'm inviting you to share my journey and be a part of my sober life. I have documented over time some of my ugliest fails and moments of complete self-destruction, and they are still here for you to read – they just add to the authenticity of this blog and my story. Even though I have relapsed and let myself down in the past, it doesn't mean I am not genuine or that this blog is meaningful. Enjoy!
Last 100 Days Alcoholic – What's in a Name?
The whole idea for the name Last 100 Days Alcoholic came really early in the piece when I thought (wrongly) that if I hit my drinking problem with a 100 Day ban – it would magically disappear. It didn't and it still hasn't to this day – alcoholism has taught me so much about myself and provoked me to discover how to live a more meaningful and connected life. True!
So it wasn't 100 days, or even 1000 days - but who's counting? After a while the days melt into this deep sense of feeling where I know it will be a major personal betrayal to go back to drinking again. I have relapsed and self-sabotaged and done my worst to ruin things before, but right now I feel more grounded and connected than ever – so I'm feeling confident – but definitely not complacent.
The old drinking me feels like it was some imposter who hacked into my life and ran it into the ground. The shame, the fear, the doubts – it will destroy you over time.
Something Going On With Your Drinking?
You're here because you have something going on with your drinking and it's most likely not working so well for you right now. True? You might be here in secret, just browsing for an alcoholic blog for a voyeuristic snoop or something and you don't want anyone to know you have been reading about something as fucked up as alcoholics – like it's bad porn or completely taboo and you'd be ashamed if anyone ever found out.
And this is funny – in a way – because you probably still think other people don't “officially” know that there's something going on with your drinking. But they probably do – just that it's a bit awkward to bring it up with you - or there's never been a “right time” to do it. So you can relax around here and just read on knowing that I've been where you are right now and I know that feeling of shame and self-hatred that comes from just sticking at drinking for too long.
It doesn't get better, you don't somehow learn to moderate, and you'll always have that feeling of wanting more – being alcoholic is just what it is. I'm not apologizing for that.
I Think I Might Be Alcoholic
I compare the feeling when you actually open up and say to yourself for the first time that you are alcoholic to the end of the charade – the end of the game. It's usually a big relief, and we can all stop kidding ourselves in denial – desperately searching for those last little scraps of evidence that we “aren't as bad as that drunk over there” or stuff like that.
It's like a tiny chisel tap-tap-tapping and then, suddenly the whole gigantic edifice of the alcoholic ego comes shattering down and, amidst the dust and coughing, all that is left is this thin skeleton of the real you. You are alcoholic and as you walk around without that massive deception any longer, you feel light and open and somehow free. But, there is plenty of work involved and all this work is silent and quiet and alone and you'll most likely let yourself down once or twice along the way.
Gave Up Alcohol Once, Twice – I lost Count
My story with alcohol is exhausting and humiliating and there's an ambulance and some police and a stay in the psychiatric hospital. I wrote about it as I did it and then sulked away for months, too disappointed in myself to even look at my old, tattered blog and all the empty promises and haughty advice I had given.
Sheesh (if that;'s still a word?) I even went and wrote a book about being sober. And this from a guy who had relapse after relapse and broke every single promise he ever made to himself. This blog in itself became another source of shame and disappointment – and a literal example of how deeply I was letting myself down and not doing the right thing.