This is the place I'm in - working all the time, coming home mildy fatigued and seeing the kids and wife and then falling into bed. And then doing it again. Not drinking, totally off drugs etc except asthma meds. At least I have a pleasant day job and am able to pick my hours as a casual and say no to work when it suits me. So I am grateful each day and am able to reflect that I am "doing okay"
But nestled alongside the yin of the casual freedom is the yang of lacking security, which means things come our way a little slower, and our things aren't as shiny and new as others, and we mightn't be headed off on overnight trips as often as we would like. Or be pulling out kitchens and bathrooms. Which, as I said, is all fine. I'm sober, exercising etc. Life's good, but, y'know.
This is fine for my day to day life, but it comes undone when I am introduced as "name, occupation". I find myself caught between fumbling to add a fittingly impressive postscript, or just leaving it at that. So some people see me as below them, and others see me as, ahem, below them. It's a status thing.
"Every adult life could be defined by two great love stories. The first - the story of our quest for sexual love... is socially accepted and celebrated. The second - the story of our quest for love from the world - is a more secret and shameful tale..." writes Alain de Botton.
He continues "status is hard to achieve and even harder to maintain over a lifetime... a high position hangs on what we can achieve; and we may fail due to stupidity, or an absence of self knowledge, macro-economics or malevolence."
(If you listen quietly, you can hear the alcoholic me skipping from 'working hard, and being grateful for the little things,' to failure being inevitable due to the four excuses of 'stupidity, lack of self knowledge, macro-economics or malevolence' - found another way to justify getting drunk!)
I catch myself lowering my future expectations of myself because of my current status. I guess it is something to do with momentum and also has something to do with confidence.
But there is such a sting to being quietly ignored or not acknowledged by a new acquaintance once they have assessed your status and deemed it unworthy of their time. And then the alcoholic me chips in "Well fuck you too" and I pull away further, ensuring the interaction is over.
And it has nothing to do with being alcoholic or unlucky or not recognized - I recall often making choices to lead me away from the safe, well trodden path of career and qualification. I chose not to earn a label and become a "something" people could easily identify and apply status.
Just that now, in middle age, I appreciate how comforting a label would be, and that I could just exist as a "something" and be self satisfied - going off fishing or something. Instead, I am living out there and re-inventing myself, and facing the next chapter in my life sober. So it is fucking scary and I am having tofake it keep it real until I make it.
So at once it is exhilarating and fresh to be looking forward to whatever I choose to be, it is also mourning a little that I am not becoming a expert, or senior partner or making the move into management in my chosen career that I didn't have. And enjoying the privileges the status would bring. Just being me.
But nestled alongside the yin of the casual freedom is the yang of lacking security, which means things come our way a little slower, and our things aren't as shiny and new as others, and we mightn't be headed off on overnight trips as often as we would like. Or be pulling out kitchens and bathrooms. Which, as I said, is all fine. I'm sober, exercising etc. Life's good, but, y'know.
This is fine for my day to day life, but it comes undone when I am introduced as "name, occupation". I find myself caught between fumbling to add a fittingly impressive postscript, or just leaving it at that. So some people see me as below them, and others see me as, ahem, below them. It's a status thing.
"Every adult life could be defined by two great love stories. The first - the story of our quest for sexual love... is socially accepted and celebrated. The second - the story of our quest for love from the world - is a more secret and shameful tale..." writes Alain de Botton.
He continues "status is hard to achieve and even harder to maintain over a lifetime... a high position hangs on what we can achieve; and we may fail due to stupidity, or an absence of self knowledge, macro-economics or malevolence."
(If you listen quietly, you can hear the alcoholic me skipping from 'working hard, and being grateful for the little things,' to failure being inevitable due to the four excuses of 'stupidity, lack of self knowledge, macro-economics or malevolence' - found another way to justify getting drunk!)
I catch myself lowering my future expectations of myself because of my current status. I guess it is something to do with momentum and also has something to do with confidence.
But there is such a sting to being quietly ignored or not acknowledged by a new acquaintance once they have assessed your status and deemed it unworthy of their time. And then the alcoholic me chips in "Well fuck you too" and I pull away further, ensuring the interaction is over.
And it has nothing to do with being alcoholic or unlucky or not recognized - I recall often making choices to lead me away from the safe, well trodden path of career and qualification. I chose not to earn a label and become a "something" people could easily identify and apply status.
Just that now, in middle age, I appreciate how comforting a label would be, and that I could just exist as a "something" and be self satisfied - going off fishing or something. Instead, I am living out there and re-inventing myself, and facing the next chapter in my life sober. So it is fucking scary and I am having to
So at once it is exhilarating and fresh to be looking forward to whatever I choose to be, it is also mourning a little that I am not becoming a expert, or senior partner or making the move into management in my chosen career that I didn't have. And enjoying the privileges the status would bring. Just being me.
Great post. Really thought provoking. But you are not what you Do, you are what you do. Sounds as though you're doing well. I read your previous post and you are clearly making changes. Keep going. Who cares whether your stuff is not new. Sounds as though you're going to be.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement!
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