Drinking was a means to an end - escaping the incessant chatter of that negative voice in my head.
The voice in my head was busy keeping my past alive and in the present, whilst also in constant anxiety about the future. "You aren't like that" it would hiss, "you've always been a bit lazy," it reminded me each time my motivation wavered, "you were never good enough."
The voice in my head kept the most embarrassing and humiliating failures and inadequacies of my past alive and in the now. So I was a walking talking example of all my previous fuck ups. And it was stifling - there was nowhere to go because the future became a foregone conclusion.
So I would just drink. And mourn. Mourn my losses and what could have been if only for the voice in my head. And drinking alone fed the voice in my head with even more of that endless downward spiral of negative self talk. It was quite gloomy and dank at the bottom.
And most hopeless of all, once you finally reach what seems like a never ending rock bottom after so many other rock bottoms, it is a complete dead end. No way out.
And that's what happened - like all torture, self torture has a moment of utter peace and serenity where the torture becomes farcical and ridiculous, and you can see it simply for what it is. Torture.
Here is a simple mindfulness meditation you can do right here, right now to escape the voice in your head, even just for the moment
1. Sit comfortably. Take a few full breaths and scan your body for any areas of tension. Relax and release these areas with each exhale. Feel how your muscles and tendons loosen as you breathe out tension and rigidity. Sense the weight of gravity connecting your body to the earth, feet to the floor, body on the chair or floor.
2. Simply observe the movement of breath on your body. In and out. Be conscious of your breath and as it happens, don't control it, just be aware of the rise and fall of your chest. Tune into the rhythm of your breath.
3. Call to mind a time in your life when you felt at peace with yourself. Connect with this memory, flesh out the details, what do you see? What do you hear? Be in the moment with the place - where you outside in nature, what sounds can you hear? Let yourself feel the sensations and emotions in this memory.
4. Notice how you didn't have to force the pleasant feelings and sensations - they arose naturally within you. Notice how you were lifted free of distractions, you were present with what was happening. Remember how good it felt.
5. Now, know this moment, right here and now, is a perfect moment. It doesn't have to be manipulated. It is waiting to welcome you, each and every time you follow this ritual and enter the meditation. The possibility for peace, and escape from the voice in your head is present for you now in this very moment.
6. Accept that your mind is your home, and following your breath is a simple path to escape and freedom.
The voice in my head was busy keeping my past alive and in the present, whilst also in constant anxiety about the future. "You aren't like that" it would hiss, "you've always been a bit lazy," it reminded me each time my motivation wavered, "you were never good enough."
The voice in my head kept the most embarrassing and humiliating failures and inadequacies of my past alive and in the now. So I was a walking talking example of all my previous fuck ups. And it was stifling - there was nowhere to go because the future became a foregone conclusion.
So I would just drink. And mourn. Mourn my losses and what could have been if only for the voice in my head. And drinking alone fed the voice in my head with even more of that endless downward spiral of negative self talk. It was quite gloomy and dank at the bottom.
And most hopeless of all, once you finally reach what seems like a never ending rock bottom after so many other rock bottoms, it is a complete dead end. No way out.
One day you may catch yourself smiling at the voice in your head,
as you would smile at the antics of a child
as you would smile at the antics of a child
(Eckhart Tolle in The Power of Now)
And that's what happened - like all torture, self torture has a moment of utter peace and serenity where the torture becomes farcical and ridiculous, and you can see it simply for what it is. Torture.
Here is a simple mindfulness meditation you can do right here, right now to escape the voice in your head, even just for the moment
1. Sit comfortably. Take a few full breaths and scan your body for any areas of tension. Relax and release these areas with each exhale. Feel how your muscles and tendons loosen as you breathe out tension and rigidity. Sense the weight of gravity connecting your body to the earth, feet to the floor, body on the chair or floor.
2. Simply observe the movement of breath on your body. In and out. Be conscious of your breath and as it happens, don't control it, just be aware of the rise and fall of your chest. Tune into the rhythm of your breath.
3. Call to mind a time in your life when you felt at peace with yourself. Connect with this memory, flesh out the details, what do you see? What do you hear? Be in the moment with the place - where you outside in nature, what sounds can you hear? Let yourself feel the sensations and emotions in this memory.
4. Notice how you didn't have to force the pleasant feelings and sensations - they arose naturally within you. Notice how you were lifted free of distractions, you were present with what was happening. Remember how good it felt.
5. Now, know this moment, right here and now, is a perfect moment. It doesn't have to be manipulated. It is waiting to welcome you, each and every time you follow this ritual and enter the meditation. The possibility for peace, and escape from the voice in your head is present for you now in this very moment.
6. Accept that your mind is your home, and following your breath is a simple path to escape and freedom.
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