Now I'm a very impatient person.
I still decide my way home each day by which light is green, so I don't have to wait at lights.
If it's a green arrow, I'll go that way. Each day has a different drive home.
Impatient like not bothering to read fiction anymore, in case I spend time reading the first thirty pages and then it sucks. Or hire a DVD in case it sucks, and have a late fee.
Or fuck around trying to get drugs when I used to do drugs - I couldn't be bothered fucking around with all the organizing and the cash and the meeting and the talking to some dopehead as if I give a fuck. So I went off drugs. But alcohol - it was always there, easy, drive through, no need for a fridge, go to a different bottleshop each day, do it alone, no need to make smalltalk.
So impatient that having gone sober now for eighty odd days, I expect, no I feel entitled to some sort of revelation. Like something should scream out to me and declare that my new sober life should be - ta daa! What? Um, it hasn't happened yet.
So I'm teetering on the edge of some midwinter blues, just to sully my sobriety.
And I don't want to talk about it and I am sort of not giving a fuck.
It's just that I have a GOAL VOID at the moment. That's what I call it, when I drank I used to have a daily carnival reward of sloshing glorious Hunter Valley Shiraz or South Australian Merlot or Coonanwarra Cab Sauv into big globular goblets and strutting around the house or my garden with some insane drunken thought process going on. It was comforting and a reward in itself.
So I looked forward to it each and every day. Now, without that afternoon tingle, I am at a crossroads and the fear of making a decision is fucking paralyzing. Like-lying-in-bed-with-the-covers-up-re-reading-old-books-paralyzing.
So I've been going around half pissed off at everyone and the world because I am too scared to jump and make a decision. And my impatience is killing me for it. I need a direction and a decision but fear is stopping me and the impatience is making it just completely fucking bullshit.
I am in goal void at the moment and I can so relate.
ReplyDeleteI am plotting and planning a fundraising run for Variety in November.
The "pissedoffnes"s and fear perhaps used to get swallowed down with the Cab Sav? Now those emotions have nothing to get drowned in, so those emotions rear their ugly heads?
OH yes, I understand all of this only too well. The goal void, the staying in bed with the covers over the head and a familiar book, the "well what now, what is being sober all about then?"
ReplyDeleteI have been put on Camparal (to stop the cravings) for 12 months. My shrink pointed out that this time period should indicate to me that things are NOT going to feel "normal" or "fixed" overnight, in 30 days or even in 100.
Maybe your (and my) direction just needs to be to let yourself "be" to get over what you've been through. Find the person that was hidden under the alcohol.
I'm just feeling my way along this path myself. I have no idea what the answers are, but I do know that you cant make a good decision if you dont know who you are.
Can appreciate the sort of in-between feeling.
ReplyDeleteLucy - is true the bald ugly truth is exposed and sometimes I don't think I like it, or I need to be re-directed away.
Sharon - Yes. Just a pause and to do other things to rediscover the underneath 'you' is a great antidote. Instead of thinking to much about it I am trying to mindfulness and just living in the present.
I just read your "who is this guy" page. I gave up drinking at 36, I am 47 now. I only drank wine at Christmas when Mum offered it to me, then after awhile couldn't be bothered. We have cooking wine in the house, our kids hadn't seen us drink. My husband has beers very occasionally with people, but basically we are teatotalers now. I hadn't been drunk before anyway, despite the fact that my Dad had taught me to drink wine at a very early age. And as a teenager I drank with my friends. Now with facebook and the reunions that get organised on facebook I have met up with my friends twice. The second time it was friends of friends. I had some country friends, and through the friends of friends I have met some of the townies I didn't come across the first time as a teenager. I am finding that the guy that I helped organise the reunion with it is very much an Australian culture thing. I don't follow football anymore and have gotten away from all that stuff. My friends that are girls drink wine at night. I feel like two different people, the one as a teenager, the one that met my husband at 20 and went away from all that stuff. He does follow football, but doesn't do the whole cultural thing. I didn't swear either, my male friend swears. So I have found myself learning to like it lol. And can't wait to watch the new season of Spirited on the W channel about the ghost of a punk rocker who in real life is a comedian, who says the F word quite a lot lol. Black humour they call the show. But still I feel foolish on facebook a lot, have been called a wally even though I don't know what it means really. They are getting used to me hopefully the same as I am getting used to them. Had a great second reunion though despite me drinking raspberry. Still this week they have gotten me to polish (the girls) off my odd bottle of Yellow and some of my Bundy that I had and not used, gifts or something. Do I have to fit in, or should I leave fb and run lol. It is fun, but hard.
ReplyDelete"I need a direction and a decision but fear is stopping me and the impatience is making it just completely fucking bullshit."
ReplyDeleteDon't let your impatience kill,do something about it.
Thanks for the visit and comment.
@ editor - that's filled the Goal Void - doing something - someone once said hands to work and hearts to god.
ReplyDelete