Gotta Be More

There's gotta be more.  It's a simple truth in my life that there's gotta be more.  Gotta be more to life than simply the bittersweet symphony of being "a slave to money and then you die."  Gotta to be more things, people, places, intensity, passion, sex, love, adulation, distractions, stuff - the list is endless - as there has even gotta be more of "gotta be more".

This insatiable quest in chasing a kind of satisfaction that is forever out of reach

It led me to anxiety that I would never actually satisfy any need or want, then frustration that I was powerless to manage this feeling of chasing and striving and endlessly seeking, onto anger that I was failing at so many things and not quite getting just where I wanted to be or performing at just under what I felt was my optimum level.  And finally, exhausted, I will swirl into a hopeless spiral of depression and bitter defeat resigned to the realization I was broken and inadequate.

So, still seeking a "gotta be more" to it than this shit, I retreated into what soon became the religious experience of drinking.  Drinking was the holy magic that lifted me from the mundane and elevated everyday life into an almost instant "gotta be more" situation.

When I was blinking back gulps of tepid wine, I felt I was arriving at that "gotta be more" apex, where life is more than the humdrum mediocrity of details and meaningless routine.  Drunk, I was indeed getting more out of each moment as I was embraced by the warmth and intensity of being thoroughly in my own private universe.

And so it was for a long long time.  Each day I would endure the what I saw as the trite nonsense and endless trivial details of the real world only to rush home and gently escape to my drunken nirvana.  It was my way of answering the nagging existential dilemma of "but surely there's gotta be more?" when faced with the dreary drudgery of day to day.

But in the meantime, life was happening in the background - we were married and my career was evolving and opportunities were taken and missed, my daughters were born, houses bought and sold - the orchestra of life was playing loudly and dramatically as ever.  But I was only present in half of my life, otherwise I was furiously drinking myself to believe "there's gotta be more."


  1. Yep. Me, too. Until there was nothing more but the wine and bourbon and middle of the night darkness in the light of day.

    There's more out there buddy, and we drank because we were too scared, lazy, ambivalent to get off the bottle to go find it.

    It was so much easier to drink the scaredness, laziness and ambivalence into silence.

    Love ya bud,

  2. There's gotta be more. Is this all that life is giving me? Have I reached my peak at success? Will I be remembered for all my missed opportunities and mistakes? Will I ever be at peace with Myself?
    That was an everyday thing with me and a cold alcoholic beverage always brought warmth to my heart.
    My reality was mixed with insanity, i reflected reality as depression and alcohol brought it excitement and joy.
    Until I found myself stuck with Reality behind bars facing my 3rd DUI.
    Reality sat in, that the world, this universe has more to give so I stood up to what i reflected was my enjoyment (alcohol).
    I let my grievances go, my anger go, my fear go, one by one so my heart could be healed and show me that REALITY can be really joyful.
    Happiness and comfort and love is all I want so letting go all my negative thoughts, memories and emotions go I feel brand new to life.
    Love this blog . Thank you for sharing with us . My blog is .

  3. Damn if that ain't hitting the nail on the head! I can so relate to this phenomenon especially "Each day I would endure the what I saw as the trite nonsense and endless trivial details of the real world only to rush home and gently escape to my drunken nirvana." What alcoholic over achiever wouldn't appreciate that??? : )
    Thank you so much for your incite. Reading your blog has helped me stay sober for the last 30 days. I am already starting to appreciate the day to day doldrums of life! Have a beautiful day & remember "Life is what happens when you are busy making plans." Namaste

    1. Congratulations on 30 days. It is no small feat.

  4. I just said to my husband, "I'm heading downstairs to do my favorite thing in the world—laundry." And I meant it. I have found much joy in loving what is. Then life is never out of reach. Blessing my you (all of us) and our continued recovery. You helped keep me sober today.
    with love and gratitude, Lisa

  5. I have tried many times to explain how my husband of 15 years and father of my two children described his relationship to alcohol before his suicide.

    And you have done it so beautifully I am considering sharing this piece with his friends and family in an effort to help them understand how stuck he felt.

    The differerence for you is that you are writing, you are striving for health and sanity. You will not be conquered by alcohol. You will be there for your children.

    Beautiful piece. One of the best I've ever read.

    Thank you for sharing.

    1. Thank you, that is humbling. Go ahead and share and talk about it - there is no shame in surviving..


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