On the weekend my favorite uncle or someone else said something like "So you're an alcoholic?"
And I paused - it was a real certain time for me. I nodded.
It was what you might call a moment.
And they kept drinking and ordering wine and shit and I just sat there sucking water.
But I love the guy. And I thought my confession was sort of meaningful.
He is a coal miner and he earns triple what I do - but he is always ready to help with steps and stairs and gutters and fences and stuff. Like the father I never had - but then, out of the blue, I get to see my father, (should I capitalize the D as in Dad or what?)
Anyway there is he is as we brush past in the bowels of the courthouse - I touch his shoulder with my hand
"What are we doing here?"
And he looked at me. He is just like me in a way.
"I didn't do it?" I says. Cause its the truth.
"Of course you didn't" he says, in a half-smile, half mind-fuck. I remembered I needed to check my blood count genes for his family shit or whatever.
**
Now, things have changed and I went for a 10km walk after we won our court appearance. It was such a satisfying victory - but as we had a coffee, I felt sad and empty and to be fucking honest, ready to get smashed.
**
Thank you for being my friends. Sometimes I cry just reading this shit and it makes me feel so guilty and responsible and back in touch.
And I paused - it was a real certain time for me. I nodded.
It was what you might call a moment.
And they kept drinking and ordering wine and shit and I just sat there sucking water.
But I love the guy. And I thought my confession was sort of meaningful.
He is a coal miner and he earns triple what I do - but he is always ready to help with steps and stairs and gutters and fences and stuff. Like the father I never had - but then, out of the blue, I get to see my father, (should I capitalize the D as in Dad or what?)
Anyway there is he is as we brush past in the bowels of the courthouse - I touch his shoulder with my hand
"What are we doing here?"
And he looked at me. He is just like me in a way.
"I didn't do it?" I says. Cause its the truth.
"Of course you didn't" he says, in a half-smile, half mind-fuck. I remembered I needed to check my blood count genes for his family shit or whatever.
**
Now, things have changed and I went for a 10km walk after we won our court appearance. It was such a satisfying victory - but as we had a coffee, I felt sad and empty and to be fucking honest, ready to get smashed.
**
Thank you for being my friends. Sometimes I cry just reading this shit and it makes me feel so guilty and responsible and back in touch.
I am so glad you won your court thingy. Not even sure what it was but happy for you. Research shows people are as likely to relapse from good events as bad ones. So it is understandable you would crave a drink The neural pathways you have been working to prune have been reactivated from your relapse so of course it will be awhile before the non-drinking neural pathways ascend. Every moment they get thicker though. You are growing a beautiful healthy tree in your brain. And your soul.
ReplyDeletei agree that "good" events can be just as strong a trigger as "bad" ones. Not that this sounds like a good event as such...it sounds messy and harrowing (as families often are...)
ReplyDeleteI am glad you were vindicated though. That must feel good at least.
Props to you for your *confession* too. I STILL have to avoid days where everyone but me is drinking and i've got 6 yrs down. Good on you! Stay strong, it's all good. Everyone here has your back :)
Glad that things are going better for you. Saying that you are alcoholic took courage and honesty.
ReplyDeleteGlad your court thing was a victory for you. So glad you are back and posting.
ReplyDeleteDe Nada, Mi Amigo. Glad you "came out" to your uncle, it is freeing . No more lurking behind locked doors in fishnets for me either, I'm strutting my stuff for the whole world to see. ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm very glad the court thing went well for you. Must have been very stressful. And I'm sure that starting to say outloud 'yes, I'm an alcoholic' is good for sobriety, huh. I mean, it's not like it is a simple character defect. I'm starting to comprehend it as a disease. It doesn't make much sense to stigmatize people for having it. But it's probably most important to stop stigmatizing ourselves.
ReplyDeleteYou sound good, Bwendo. So glad your back.
Oh my god .. intense family stuff man .. INTENSE. It sounds really really difficult to deal with and process and put in a nice contented place within yourself. No wonder you feel sad and empty sometimes. Honestly, you're doing so so great, I'm so pleased you're exercising your brain to really try and live better yourself. You're so worth it and yes it's GREAT having you back and around the traps. xxxx
ReplyDeletehey have you come across Edward St. Aubyn yet? I devoured all five books immediately. Highly recommend. I await your book, mister! (no pressure.)
ReplyDeleteHey, i just found your blog. Really great stuff in here, thanks for sharing. Just started my own recovery blog, buildingsomethingfromnothing.blogspot.com
ReplyDeletePowerful post here.
ReplyDelete