In the long run, men hit only what they aim at. Thoreau.
It’s not really funny at all but drinking crept back into my life – just the same way as smoking did after I quit the first few times. One drink at a party turned into three bottles and then I was skulking around drinking away the hangover and a few days later I was planning days off where I could drink all morning and be ‘sober’ by dinnertime so no one would notice. Straight back down to rock bottom. It was delicious fun for a bit but living hung over and tired is a clusterfuck – so here I am on day three sober again.
Exactly a year ago I stopped drinking for 297 days, so here we go again. This time is different because I know I am alcoholic and like I said to my wife – anytime I am drinking, you just know things are drifting off the rails. This time it was going to court a few times with my mother and sister, and I concede I did let the emotion and sense of betrayal get the better of me and I was feeling ungrateful and cheated standing in line at the liquor store.
I took my eyes off my goal and let drinking slip from my center and my base to become something that wasn’t so bad. Like being quadriplegic isn’t so bad compared with living with cancer. And I found myself skipping class and drinking sauvignon blanc (cause it wouldn’t stain my teeth) under the shade of my tree ferns watching the chickens. In the rain. On a Monday morning.
Whist there is a sense of supreme peacefulness and complete and utter selfishness in drinking like that, 9am whilst the neighbors drive off to work, it is breathtakingly destructive.
And then the news this morning that an acquaintance has parked his car by the lookout, taken off his shoes and stepped up to the railing, and despite the plea of person standing nearby, launched himself off into suicide. Grim, visceral depression and the permanence of a decision brought home from bleak Canada.
So I apologize for my absence – I was too ashamed to get it together and write about how fucking splendid it was being drunk again. Just hear it from me, being drunk that one time always flows over into the next day and the next cause I am always chasing away the hangover with another drink. I am aiming up higher again and back with all the humility of a lesson learned.
It’s not really funny at all but drinking crept back into my life – just the same way as smoking did after I quit the first few times. One drink at a party turned into three bottles and then I was skulking around drinking away the hangover and a few days later I was planning days off where I could drink all morning and be ‘sober’ by dinnertime so no one would notice. Straight back down to rock bottom. It was delicious fun for a bit but living hung over and tired is a clusterfuck – so here I am on day three sober again.
Exactly a year ago I stopped drinking for 297 days, so here we go again. This time is different because I know I am alcoholic and like I said to my wife – anytime I am drinking, you just know things are drifting off the rails. This time it was going to court a few times with my mother and sister, and I concede I did let the emotion and sense of betrayal get the better of me and I was feeling ungrateful and cheated standing in line at the liquor store.
I took my eyes off my goal and let drinking slip from my center and my base to become something that wasn’t so bad. Like being quadriplegic isn’t so bad compared with living with cancer. And I found myself skipping class and drinking sauvignon blanc (cause it wouldn’t stain my teeth) under the shade of my tree ferns watching the chickens. In the rain. On a Monday morning.
So I apologize for my absence – I was too ashamed to get it together and write about how fucking splendid it was being drunk again. Just hear it from me, being drunk that one time always flows over into the next day and the next cause I am always chasing away the hangover with another drink. I am aiming up higher again and back with all the humility of a lesson learned.
You know, you may go in and out of sobriety for quite a while. Hell, maybe indefinitely. All I want to say is just don't stop trying because you never know when its going to stick. You're worth it.
ReplyDeleteGreat to hear from you! Lovely. We're here. xxx
ReplyDeleteWhew! That picture of sitting under the ferns with the soft rain coming down and a cold glass of wine in hand is still so f'ing alluring to me. I felt a pang of longing reading it. Any of us are just one step from the edge and sometimes we don't want to reach out, we don't want anyone to stop us from taking that plunge. I so get that.
ReplyDeleteWe are you and you are us and we are here to pull each other back or grab that hand that is clawing it's way back up the cliff.
Glad you're back
I've been worried about you. Glad you are back. Just keep coming back.
ReplyDeletewelcome back :) Good to see you.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about you. I'm so glad your back. Stuff happens.....we learn from the most from our times of "stuff." Just so happy you are ok.
ReplyDeleteWelcome back. I like your brutal honesty. You've summed up how easy it is to slip and stay there, and the humility gained from your recent visit there and ability to walk out. Alive.
ReplyDeleteWelcome back, Bwendo! It's wonderful to hear your voice again. Thank you for sharing so honestly. I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your friend.
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time. xx
Good to have you back! I know this story of life all too well!!
ReplyDeleteYou have a gift my friend - eloquence, insight and the power to articulate in the written word. Use it wisely, as I think the Jedi master once said! The human condition is complicated and contradictory, but an awareness of its paradox is half way to overcoming its headfuck moments. Back on track - good for you.
ReplyDeleteGlad you're back.
ReplyDeleteXO
it feels so tricky, like if we should be able to push the boulder up the steep, steep mountain all by ourselves. but we can't do it alone. nor do we have to - we don't have to be super human. if something is really hard it is reasonable to ask for help with it.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you are back telling your story with honesty and humility. One day at a time!
ReplyDeleteWell, you are back and you are sober now. That's good. You don't have to drink today.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right about chasing the hangover away with another drink. At some point we have to deal with the hangover though, don't we. Thank you for commenting to me that you are drinking again. Your comment has given me strength to come back and talk about my drinking as well. It made me realise I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteYou can't do it alone. You really should (if you haven't already) try AA.
ReplyDeleteI can relate... I have 47 days after just over two years last September. I fell off in November, then put together 90 days and went back out and drank for a week, which ended with me going back to rehab, and ruining my relationship with my girlfriend who's been sober almost eleven years. Today was the first time she and I have spoken since the day I called her and told her I was going back to treatment. I have a lot of work to do to earn her trust. Either way I finally realized this a life or death for me. Thank you for your post. It helps to know that I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it.
ReplyDeleteMate, I have read your blog from the start starting last night. So upsetting to hear of your set backs. I am only two days from my last screw up and I want it to be my last. I so appreciate your honesty and willingness to share. Keep fighting the good fight!
ReplyDeletechasing the hangover..been doing it for months. Since February..I really haven't been sober more then a day. It's crazy I used to moderate my drinking to 2 days a week but I would get blasted and make up for the rest of the week... Now I'm a true functional alcholic with anxiety, and many days of shakeness..but I still can't see myself never drinking again..so insane!
ReplyDelete