I nearly threw it all away today - I had to look my wife in the eye and tell her that I wasn't going back, that it was sort of over and that the anxiety of fronting up and being humble and penitent was simply too much for me.
And I just wanted to get it over with so I could get drinking somewhere out of the way where if I got caught drinking it would be too late anyway cause I would already be drunk.
*
But she talked me through it and said I had to have courage and just front up and explain what had happened and come to some sort of a compromise.
And so I went for a long run, round the beach, up and down hills till my shins hurt.
And I realized it was as simple as slowing things down and showing some courage.
Times like this define the whole year, your whole career, and you either step up and get a result or you slink away and basically stay drunk.
*
I know I am a broken man, but things don't have to stay broken.
I can choose to put them back together a day at a time.
And I just wanted to get it over with so I could get drinking somewhere out of the way where if I got caught drinking it would be too late anyway cause I would already be drunk.
*
But she talked me through it and said I had to have courage and just front up and explain what had happened and come to some sort of a compromise.
And so I went for a long run, round the beach, up and down hills till my shins hurt.
And I realized it was as simple as slowing things down and showing some courage.
Times like this define the whole year, your whole career, and you either step up and get a result or you slink away and basically stay drunk.
*
I know I am a broken man, but things don't have to stay broken.
I can choose to put them back together a day at a time.
everyone is broken in some way...we just shatter differently to each other.
ReplyDeleteand some people never realise they have the power to put themselves back together.
you realise.
ergo, you can.
and will.
a day at a time.
sending strength :)
When a bone breaks the body forms a hard shell around the fracture called a callus. It provides stability and protection for the bone while it is mending, in a few months the fracture has become solid bone again and the callus gradually wears away.
ReplyDeleteNo matter how shattered the bone is, no matter how many bones are broken or how many times we try to destroy ourselves, the body never gives up, it always tries to heal.
Start building your callus, broken man.
Just a minute at a time, my blogging friend. That's all we've got.
ReplyDeleteGlad that you made that long run to push your body. Take it easy, man. You can do this life sober.
ReplyDeleteDon't be humble and pentinent, be grumpy and shitty and mad and angry at your family for all the bullshit and then be fucking mad at alcohol for making you believe it's going to take all of that bullshit away (it's not). I like your wife, she sounds cool. Mate .. this is a bloody hard time for you .. you go ahead and be grumpy as all hell and run your butt off if you have to. What about getting a punching bag? Whatever you do I'm rooting for you and I'm really liking this raw and honest Bwendo. I think you're on a great course here ... Sending love from NZ xxx
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon your blog earlier this week. I have since read it from inception and will continue to do so as you write more. 37 Male from the US. This is the closet I have been able to relate to anything I have read pretty much ever so thank you for that. You are honestly somewhat of an inspiration to me.
ReplyDeleteYour wife sounds like she meant it when she said for better or for worse. You are a lucky dude.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.alcoholicshare.org/2012/09/04/the-little-big-book/ read thos post - thx T. Gillis
ReplyDelete