After drinking whenever I could basically, since I was a teenager, I have retired and made the decision that drinking is not for me. Not even having a "few drinks with friends" is for me. It has never been that, I would have a bottle of wine or a sixpack of beer before I met up with friends for a few drinks, and then come home afterwards and drink another bottle of wine or as many beers until I passed out asleep.
It was a curious combination of pure greed, of feeling I might be missing out, of making alcohol an integral part of life as though celebrating and having fun was nothing without it. And it was always chasing a hangover - the dumb sting from the night before would linger through the morning until early afternoon and I would finally get the chance to gulp down some more beer or wine or whatever was available.
To my eternal shame, I can say in the past week I have even drunk Japanese rice wine one morning when I was running away from a hangover. It is 18% alcohol but tastes like, um rice? Didn't matter, a few long gulps and I had downed half a bottle and I felt OK to go out and face the bright sunny Sunday morning.
But life wasn't that bad after all, I was just accepting this second rate, exhausted, poor diet, always feeling lazy and disinterested and trying to cut corners with work so I could get home early to get on with drinking in the early afternoon.
And that anxious feeling of knowing that you have drunk 12 bottles of wine in five days without wanting to or enjoying it. Just that I had a few gulps in the morning, a few gulps istead of lunch, and then drank solidly for the evening.
And crashed out at 9pm on the lounge, only to wake at 2am with a bell-ringing hangover and a bursting bladder. To gush out clear urine with a sandy partched mouth and be simultaneously gulping water by the bottle, and popping painkillers, and then lying back in bed to lay there watching the infomercials or re-reading a true crime book for the 11th time.
Night after night. Week in week out for months and years and just feeling fat and sloppy and ashamed of myself.
Way to go on the 48 hours!! thats a huge step :) I can be your support system anytime, I'm new to sobriety also, it isn't easy by any means but by sharing we can get through this!!!
ReplyDelete~ Rain
i feel an urge to get drunk and smoke a pack of cigarettes about every 3 days. For 3 days I feel fine and will have 1 beer at night while i watch tv and not smoke at all. I don't understand why it's like that. Is this the beginning path towards alcoholism. I live in America and many people my age drink as much, if not more than me. I would like to not have these cravings at all.
ReplyDeleteCajun, is remarkable how high the threshold for alcohol use is in western culture. I know that questioning your own drinking is an indicator of a problem, so is worth looking at your options. For me, it was just easier and less complicated to abstain completely and not have to worry about moderation.
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