Kurt Vonnegut "Damned if it was Worth it"

You can read the full original letter by Kurt Vonnegut here.
Dear People,
I'm told that you were probably never informed that I was anything other than "missing in action." Chances are that you have also failed to read any of my earlier blog that I wrote for the last five years.  No matter.  It leaves me a lot of explaining to do - in short -

I've been an alcoholic since I can remember.  But the real hard-drinking, end-stage alcoholic who licks the bottle top and wakes up dreaming of drinking - that was me these last seven or so years.  I've been in and out of rehab a couple of times and broken down myself into one of those sobbing sad cries a few times as well.  It's been horrible and confronting and lonely and there were times I wished I could end it all.  But not with three little girls - I had to fight on somehow.

I stopped drinking and went to therapy and group sessions and I talked and shared and spat out all of the bad shit I could think of.  And then some more.  And I wrote and wrote and wrote thousands of words and then with one press of a button deleted it all.  And then I picked up a drink and went on a bender and the Police picked me up and duly dragged me back into hospital.  It's been a sad, exhausting ride and one I'm glad, I think for now anyway, is over.

I start to cry when I write this because I'm not the man I used to be - I'm becoming the man I needed to be all along.  I'm not angry anymore.  I'm not worried about tomorrow.  I'm not concerned with what you think about me, either.  It all just doesn't really mean that much to me now that I have discovered the quiet peace and calm of being sober and just being gentle and accepting of myself.

Rebuilding myself after being so completely broken is such a feeling that I don't think I can really share it with you for all that is is worth.  Just don't offer me a drink to celebrate.  I've let it all go.  I don't do that dance anymore and anyway, the music in my head won't play that tune.  From here on it's all about living clean and sober and rolling my shoulders back and being myself and being OK with that.

Love you and hope to see you soon.  But also, I understand we may not be seeing each other anytime soon because of how I treated you back when I was drinking.  Which is fine, I understand, but I can't go back and change anything from back then.

read my latest post published here on Medium and please feel free to share a comment
PS, On a brighter note, I just tip toed through my second half marathon on Sunday!!  Yay!  Such a mind opener - and beat my best time by over 13 minutes!!  Very sore and going down to the ocean baths each morning to chill my leg muscles in the winter water - I've given myself a five days off yoga...

1 comment:

  1. Dearest Bren,
    I'm glad you're still here and I'm glad I'm still here. I'm sorry for some of the ways I treated you back then too, we should never question someones reality when we are not living it.
    It is good to arrive at the place where we know we are being honest with ourselves and to know that as long as we are right with ourselves, what others think no longer matters because we know, without a doubt we are being the best person we can be. It's such a relief.
    I am happy in your success and I am happy for your three beautiful children.


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