YESTERDAY I WOKE UP with my wife yelling at me - and I responded in kind and the day just got slowly worse to the point that I ended up secretly glugging wine by lunchtime and getting onto my second bottle by 4pm.
I was drunk by then and sort of hoping my wife wouldn't smell it on me when I walked past her. She did - I stank of alcohol of course - and she took the kids to her mums house and left me to my own devices.
I heard a little girl 2.40
So, with no money, no keys and no wallet - what to do? Half shot and angry and abandoned - I looked underneath a pottery bowl and found a secret hidden $15. A purple five dollar note and a bluish $10 note. But no car and it was rainy and cold and I was tired and all that - so I walked across town looking for two bottles of wine for $15.
Funny how you sweat when you walk fast in the rain - even when it is like 26C - and you somehow manage to feign sobriety and normalcy when you get to the alcohol shop. And I even stooped so low as to pick up an old cigarette but off the road that wasn't wet. Nice form considering I'd also stopped that shit a few months back too...
I was drunk by then and sort of hoping my wife wouldn't smell it on me when I walked past her. She did - I stank of alcohol of course - and she took the kids to her mums house and left me to my own devices.
I heard a little girl 2.40
So, with no money, no keys and no wallet - what to do? Half shot and angry and abandoned - I looked underneath a pottery bowl and found a secret hidden $15. A purple five dollar note and a bluish $10 note. But no car and it was rainy and cold and I was tired and all that - so I walked across town looking for two bottles of wine for $15.
Funny how you sweat when you walk fast in the rain - even when it is like 26C - and you somehow manage to feign sobriety and normalcy when you get to the alcohol shop. And I even stooped so low as to pick up an old cigarette but off the road that wasn't wet. Nice form considering I'd also stopped that shit a few months back too...
My grandparents sucked too.
ReplyDeleteHang in there! I am on the same journey as you.... ugh!
ReplyDeleteCall your sponsor--dial instead of drink.
ReplyDeleteShit dude.. you are in deep. I'm pleased that you are still reaching out through this blog and articulating what is going on .. booze has got it's claws so deep into you.. you've obviously got some deep dark shitty pain inside of your heart and soul that you are desperate to keep constantly silenced despite it ruining your relationships with your family.. mate.. you know you've got to go to that pain, right? You've got to go to that pain and deal with it front on.. face up to it.. deal with it.. process it no matter how hard it is.. don't be scared of it.. face it and deal with it. .and then you can start to rebuild.. i believe in you 150%.. i have read your words and heard your story and thought about you since i gave up drinking over two years ago.. i really honestly do believe in you.. so go to that pain and deal to it. Lots of love from me across the ditch. xxxx
ReplyDeleteWhat Mrs. D said. And I have one more question...with your history, WHY THE HELL IS THERE BOOZE IN THE HOUSE (yes that's yelling). You're sabotaging yourself even before you're triggered.
ReplyDeleteYes, you need to dig deep and figure this out dude. I know you've got it in you...I've been reading your words for a long time...you can do this. More importantly, you're worth it.
Sherry
Hey bro glad to see you are writing again- I have been checking quite a bit was worried about you and very interested in how you were doing. Do you have any program? Support? 12 step? Did you just get popped out of the hospital into the world with no support network? Please tell me you don't think you can do this on your own.
ReplyDeleteWill someone let your readers know when you die? I see a day coming when we keep checking and checking for postings and they will just not be there anymore. I don't see how any words of encouragement from strangers can help if even your clear love for your family is not enough for you to conquer this beast. It's clearly not a matter of WANTING to be sober - I can see that you do want it and, if it were in your power, you would already be sober. My wish is for you to find peace on the other side.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to write. I read Puzzled's response and I find myself wanting to agree with them. It pisses me off at me for giving up on you, it pisses me off at you for giving up on you. But you haven't!!! You wouldn't be here if you had. Sometimes I think you're playing a game with us, that you're actually sitting on your porch watching your plants and your children grow, laughing at us as you string us along with another yarn about your unraveling shitty, totally selfish life. I wish that were the truth, it could be. The part about sitting on your porch watching your plants and children grow instead of making your family's life a living hell and smoking cigarette butts off of the street while you live out your twisted self-serving tragedy, it could come true, but your going to have to get your head out of your ass and want it bad enough.
ReplyDeleteLove, me.
DeleteSo there's disjuncture and dissonance. That's life as an alcoholic. There's the actual life and the life you present and then there's the other life which you erase every night. Bwendo's blog has always seemed written in retrospect, not as it is happening. That's OK as both a device and practicality - what happens when you are lucid enough to be able write. Besides, what makes anyone think he's also writing the other blog, and not, say someone using his logon and wanting to keep up appearances for him. Co-dependants do that...
ReplyDeleteToday I'm 1000 days sober. Blogs like this (and many others) as well as rehab, CBT and 12 step keep me that way, and are the only reason I'm alive.
Dear Author, if you are still there, drinking or not, please let us know how you are/where you are at.
And now I'm worried and feeling guilty. I see that you haven't written on the other blog either. Are you okay?
ReplyDeleteIf you need help with alcohol rehab, there is a place you can turn to, http://alcoholrehabsydney.com, we will provide you the info to help you.
ReplyDelete