There were times when he was going to die and it was clumsy and cluttered with hastily made plans and the best of intentions – all somehow subconsciously designed for him to delay it just long enough so that he wouldn’t actually do it.
And after all the drama and theatrics and planning – nothing happened. He woke up somewhere, in summer under some tree or during winter on some lounge, and he blinked and clicked his jaw a couple of times – yawned – and realized he was 'just' alive.
Now being 'just' alive is an almighty relief when he had spent the week building up to not being around much longer and toured his town with the indulgent sentimentality of someone leaving for quite a while.
But being alive brings with it the responsibility of actually being someone and doing something and all that shit.
And that was the problem.
What to do, who to be, what role to play – as though he had not yet chosen his role and the theatre of life was rolling on regardless.
He wanted it to slow down a little.
And after all the drama and theatrics and planning – nothing happened. He woke up somewhere, in summer under some tree or during winter on some lounge, and he blinked and clicked his jaw a couple of times – yawned – and realized he was 'just' alive.
Now being 'just' alive is an almighty relief when he had spent the week building up to not being around much longer and toured his town with the indulgent sentimentality of someone leaving for quite a while.
But being alive brings with it the responsibility of actually being someone and doing something and all that shit.
And that was the problem.
What to do, who to be, what role to play – as though he had not yet chosen his role and the theatre of life was rolling on regardless.
He wanted it to slow down a little.
So much easier to think that life happens to us instead of getting off our arse and making things happen, so much easier not to have to bear the blame and be able to say, "Oh well, shit happens." Sometimes it is so much easier to wallow in misery. Until we find ourselves drowning and we find one last bit of hope floating by and we reach out and grab it and cling to it and start kicking our legs furiously, trying to get back to solid ground. Keep kicking!
ReplyDeleteIsn't just being ourselves, however big or little, exciting or dull that may be.....enough? God I hope so. I'm in trouble if not.
ReplyDeleteSometimes when I feel like my prospects are hopelessly grim, it helps me to pan back the camera a bit and look at the bigger picture (if I have the presence of mind to even think of it). I can be "just a parent and a wife" and show up for work. I don't have to be so important and my life doesn't have to be stellar. Or good. Or acceptable. I just have to get through the day and complete my job. It's kind of hard for this alcoholic to accept so-so or mediocrity or depressing or hopelessness, but sometimes you just show up for work and sooner or later the despair passes and things are okay again. And then great again. But the booze has to go.
ReplyDeletePulling for you, Buddy.
As long as he keeps waking up everyday he will learn something new every day. And he can look forward to finding out who he is and discovering that perhaps there isn't just one role for him: he can be something to everyone he knows.
ReplyDeleteI've only recently started to appreciate the seriousness of alcohol as a chemical depressant. Drinking to alleviate depression is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline.
ReplyDeleteOh no .. you're sounding terribly low. This is going to sound strange coming from someone who doesn't do AA but have you thought about AA??!! No, me either. But I don't like hearing this... at least if you are at rock bottom, really at the bottom of the rockiest bottom then from here if you keep on, keep on, keep on, you can climb higher than you've ever been before. I am so rooting for you from across the ditch. Do tiny things that make you feel good. Little lovely things for you that lets you know you care. Sending love xxx
ReplyDeleteHave you seen this post by the film critic, Roger Ebert, on AA? It's one of the things that warmed me to it. http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/2009/08/my_name_is_roger_and_im_an_alc.html
ReplyDeleteAnd the other thing was the meetings themselves - I'm very new to going attending them. In one mtg someone said 'just keep coming until you like coming' - low and behold I've started to like going. It's heart warming to be in a room full of people sharing the same struggles, no judgement, laughter, and really tangible tools to come home with - along with phone numbers I can call whenever I am having a bad time. It's also fascinating to me that, though everyone's circumstances are different, the effects of alcohol, the patterns and the pitfalls are so similar across the board.
Just found your blog, you write wonderfully. I hope you keep going.
ReplyDeleteHi. I'm new at this and trying to find others who have problems with alcohol. I also started a blog: http://tryingtoadmit.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteI would appreciate a follow, and feel free to share the url with others. Thank you
I am really inspired by your blog. I think one of the main reason why many recover from being an alcoholic are outpatient alcohol treatment
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