A light saber. That's what she wanted. Just like on Star Wars.
She unwrapped her present and started waving it around, flicking it out and doing yoga poses with a waving wand light saber.
Hazel turns five today. She is shiny-eyed and tall and strong - a warrior woman with blue eyes and (her own words) golden hair.
*
When Hazel was born I was in the midst of alcoholism. Smiling and patiently waiting through the times when we needed to see the doctor - knowing I would be not too far away from bring drunk again and back to normality.
Even the day she was born, a champion effort by her mother, my wife, (and me there in hospital greens counting down the time to get back home to start drinking syrupy shiraz until collapsing on the lounge room floor) I was distracted by drinking.
A slippery perfectly new human in my arms and fuck me if I wasn't thinking about getting out of the theater and back to the numbing safety of a wine glass...
*
That life has changed. Hazel is now a vibrant young girl with nothing holding her back except an alcoholic father.
For now, it is my responsibility to be accountable for her, to introduce her to the world and share my favorite things. So we can have a constructive, positive relationship that gives her the best chance of making the most of the opportunities that life presents her.
But she must know, at some point, that I am alcoholic. I want her to know - she must sort of notice that what she used to call "Daddy's wine" isn't around any longer. And that she doesn't get caught in the crossfire of when I used to be drunk and have to defend being drunk as somehow OK.
So happy birthday - and here's to being all too aware of the dastardly genetic inheritance you have been gifted and how it has brought us all a step closer to self realization and simply accepting life for what it is and forgiving ourselves and others for who we are.
I am grateful for my daughter and urge myself to be kind enough to let her only know me as a sober, wise 'old man'. Not so much the fumbling fake sober, where I would be hiding my drunkenness and drinking, but a real light sober, which is I guess, getting close to the best I can be.
She unwrapped her present and started waving it around, flicking it out and doing yoga poses with a waving wand light saber.
Hazel turns five today. She is shiny-eyed and tall and strong - a warrior woman with blue eyes and (her own words) golden hair.
*
When Hazel was born I was in the midst of alcoholism. Smiling and patiently waiting through the times when we needed to see the doctor - knowing I would be not too far away from bring drunk again and back to normality.
Even the day she was born, a champion effort by her mother, my wife, (and me there in hospital greens counting down the time to get back home to start drinking syrupy shiraz until collapsing on the lounge room floor) I was distracted by drinking.
A slippery perfectly new human in my arms and fuck me if I wasn't thinking about getting out of the theater and back to the numbing safety of a wine glass...
*
That life has changed. Hazel is now a vibrant young girl with nothing holding her back except an alcoholic father.
For now, it is my responsibility to be accountable for her, to introduce her to the world and share my favorite things. So we can have a constructive, positive relationship that gives her the best chance of making the most of the opportunities that life presents her.
But she must know, at some point, that I am alcoholic. I want her to know - she must sort of notice that what she used to call "Daddy's wine" isn't around any longer. And that she doesn't get caught in the crossfire of when I used to be drunk and have to defend being drunk as somehow OK.
So happy birthday - and here's to being all too aware of the dastardly genetic inheritance you have been gifted and how it has brought us all a step closer to self realization and simply accepting life for what it is and forgiving ourselves and others for who we are.
I am grateful for my daughter and urge myself to be kind enough to let her only know me as a sober, wise 'old man'. Not so much the fumbling fake sober, where I would be hiding my drunkenness and drinking, but a real light sober, which is I guess, getting close to the best I can be.
Well hallelujah. what a gift, the best - our true presence with our children. I feel my daughter soak in my direct unclouded and unashamed eye contact - she needs it like she needs to breathe. So happy for you in this moment.
ReplyDeleteIf only I could go back and re-write my sons' history and give them a sober mom, sigh. Now the most important gift I can give them is a noble showing of fighting this legacy I may have passed on to them.
ReplyDeleteHazel is lucky to have YOU for her papa. An honest and imperfect man, who is who he is and doesn't hide behind a facade. That my friend, is quite the gift to give to our children.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday Hazel. In case you haven't noticed yet (and you will), your daddy is pretty special.
ReplyDeleteI keep getting pissed off at my boys for stealing my Ginger Beer at dinner. I say 'if it were wine you couldn't drink it .. so get your mitts off it, it's mine!!' They giggle wildly. Then I say 'I'll start drinking wine again just so you can't touch my drink at dinner' and my 7 year old says very quietly 'no .. don't do that'.
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday to your lucky daughter! I have to tell you from my very personal place that your daughter is so blessed to have a father who is working towards a full, sober life. My father never got it...he died when I was 21 of addiction and I never saw him sober. I loved him to pieces regardless but I really love seeing parents with young kids get sober because I know their children have a chance at the life I was never able to have with my own father. Your daughter is blessed to have you.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful. I'm so glad I found your blog - going through a lot of the same stuff but I'm a younger female.
ReplyDeleteBwendo, you've gone missing again. you ok?
ReplyDeleteI've been worried, too. Come on back, Bwendo buddy.
ReplyDeleteBeen thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteHi mate .. you've gone all quiet again. I am thinking of you and hoping you're just not into the blog-o-sphere right now, not having another gritty low phase. Sending love from across the ditch xxxx
ReplyDeleteI am a sober alcoholic and it is important for me to be there for my family and friends. I am excited that I now contribute to my family's lives in a positive rather than a negative way. I was able to get and stay sober with the help of the New Life House. Check out their website if you are looking for help http://www.newlifehouse.com .
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your honesty.
ReplyDeleteGlad you are able to celebrate your daughter's birthday with clear eyes.
ReplyDeleteI've just stumbled upon your blog and I'm so glad I did! You're an amazing writer and I look forward to reading more on your journey.
ReplyDeleteI am a brand new blogger. I am an alcoholic/addict in recovery just for today (man, that phrase still sticks in my throat). I, too just stumbled on your blog and it appealed to me right away.
ReplyDeleteA lot of what I have written and plan to write about will be the effects my alcoholism has had on my children.
I can't wait to read the rest of your blog. I have a feeling I have just met a new comrade.
Come on back now, your friends and fans are waiting for you, I'll even put the fishnet get-up on for you. kary
ReplyDeleteJust stumbled upon your blog today as a newly recovering alcoholic/addict. I have really enjoyed what I have read of your posts today and will continue to check up on your blog. Just wanted to say hello :)
ReplyDeleteReally missin your honesty and humor. Wishing you the best in my thoughts and prayers! Best Regards!
ReplyDelete