"Fuck it all," I would have said, "There's wine and beer organized for tonight so who gives a shit?" That's where you would've found me tonight - retreating into my alcoholic haze. The easy option would be to drink and drink until I passed out.
See, it's the little things that get at me. Like today it was not exercising this morning (grr), an unfair comment at work (grr), not knowing an address and driving around in circles (grr), having a stupid dumped dog kennel in my van (grr), missing a call, and then calling back and finding the job has already been taken (grr), not having asthma medication (grr) and something else - probably ruminating over my estranged father and mother relationship (grr).
I won't bore you with the list above, except to share the old dog kennel was a spur of the moment thing - my father in law suggested it would make a great chicken house and against my better judgement we lifted it into the back of my van. The stupid thing is mouldy and festering with long white dog hairs. But it is too heavy for me to move by myself. So it is still there, like a week later.
And there it is - some little things from daily life that just weeks ago would have me reaching for the bottle are now opportunities for reflection and accepting and tolerance. Just a little mindfulness and self awareness has me looking at things in a different way, and seeing an inconvenience as just that - not some big fucked up conspiracy where the whole world is out to get me and we are all doomed!
Yeah it's almost funny isn't it - how me not finding a car space at lunchtime can somehow be rolled together with some cheap shot from a work colleague and rolled into an excuse for getting drunk. Sort of pathetic in a way.
It was satisfying to step back and see it for what it was and know myself a little bit better. Know that my quick to fire temper can easily be confused with a tendency to sook and have unreasonable expectations. Know that it is an old habit to slip into ungrateful mode and be a bit of a princess.
Learning tolerance, funnily enough, of myself. Tolerating how fucking over the top my expectations and standards are in some areas, whilst being so damn low in other areas. Tolerating that since I am now sober ALL THE TIME without the option of escaping to drunkland, I am seeing myself and my stupid little habits and I don't like a lot of them!
So I have to change those little habits, one little annoying habit at a time. Like getting steamed up over no parking - suck it up, live with it and shit - take a deep breath or something!
And more importantly, accept that there really is no excuse. Nil. No excuses whatsoever.
Here's some Helen Keller to send you on your way...
See, it's the little things that get at me. Like today it was not exercising this morning (grr), an unfair comment at work (grr), not knowing an address and driving around in circles (grr), having a stupid dumped dog kennel in my van (grr), missing a call, and then calling back and finding the job has already been taken (grr), not having asthma medication (grr) and something else - probably ruminating over my estranged father and mother relationship (grr).
I won't bore you with the list above, except to share the old dog kennel was a spur of the moment thing - my father in law suggested it would make a great chicken house and against my better judgement we lifted it into the back of my van. The stupid thing is mouldy and festering with long white dog hairs. But it is too heavy for me to move by myself. So it is still there, like a week later.
And there it is - some little things from daily life that just weeks ago would have me reaching for the bottle are now opportunities for reflection and accepting and tolerance. Just a little mindfulness and self awareness has me looking at things in a different way, and seeing an inconvenience as just that - not some big fucked up conspiracy where the whole world is out to get me and we are all doomed!
Yeah it's almost funny isn't it - how me not finding a car space at lunchtime can somehow be rolled together with some cheap shot from a work colleague and rolled into an excuse for getting drunk. Sort of pathetic in a way.
It was satisfying to step back and see it for what it was and know myself a little bit better. Know that my quick to fire temper can easily be confused with a tendency to sook and have unreasonable expectations. Know that it is an old habit to slip into ungrateful mode and be a bit of a princess.
Learning tolerance, funnily enough, of myself. Tolerating how fucking over the top my expectations and standards are in some areas, whilst being so damn low in other areas. Tolerating that since I am now sober ALL THE TIME without the option of escaping to drunkland, I am seeing myself and my stupid little habits and I don't like a lot of them!
So I have to change those little habits, one little annoying habit at a time. Like getting steamed up over no parking - suck it up, live with it and shit - take a deep breath or something!
And more importantly, accept that there really is no excuse. Nil. No excuses whatsoever.
Here's some Helen Keller to send you on your way...
The highest result of education is tolerance.
also
Toleration is the greatest gift of the mind
Great Writing, Albert. I am in a very similar situation to you, however different in its own way...id rather not get into it. but, i really appreciate your gift of writing. You depict your experiences while 'drinking' or 'quitting drinking'in such a thoughtful, poetic way. I can truly relate to most of your emotions and a few experiences. I just wanted to say, keep up the good work you should be so proud of yourself!
ReplyDeleteI have bookmarked your blog site. So, please keep your posts up. I just can't tell you enough how well your words communicate to me!!
God bless,
Olivia