Two Bite Test

You're sitting in a restaurant - you've just taken up your knife and fork and a couple of bites from your main course to your lips - and the waitstaff hovers over.

"Everything OK?" She smiles.

You have a mouthful and most likely nod and smile and look towards your date for approval - she nods too.

"Great" the waitstaff nods too, "Let's know if you need anything.." and she drifts away.

So today the guy on the radio said that this interchange was formally acknowledging that the meal was satisfactory for consumption and that you would fulfill your obligation to make payment without complaint.

He called it the 'two bite test'

I thought of my unspoken, implied contract as an alcoholic - and how I was beguiled into believing the gentle fantasy of 'getting towards drunk' was a promise of happiness and, quite possibly, happiness plus. Or Super Happiness. Like getting an ice cream, but a double, or instead of a standard holiday, a first class holiday.

Like there was a way to upgrade happiness to a higher and even more thrilling and satisfying emotion.
Or to intensify moments like relaxing Sunday afternoons to a higher plane "Wouldn't it be great to have a beer now?" or other times "Imagine watching this stoned?" - Always thinking that the spice of drugs or alcohol would be just what was needed to add that something extra to the experience.

And it sort of worked - fuck, I had some awesome times and no one can take them away from me - but as a way of life, it just is unsustainable.

So here I am, unplugged, raw and living it real.

I've taken the two bites of sobriety and nodded to the waitstaff that yes, it is fine, and I am ready to proceed.

8 comments:

  1. love how you put it....and your words..."So here I am, unplugged, raw and living it real." Have a great stress free living real day

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  2. Right, it's "happiness plus", until your marriage decays, your toddler regularly pretends she's drinking in her play, and you wake up foggy every fucking morning. I've had some great times high too. Some of the best, But not sustainable for this human. I keep wondering if I could handle drinking again, just one, I think. But I know I would want another and the next night another - more "Happiness Plus", ad infinitum. Until it's Happiness Minus. What a Trickster this Bastard is.

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  3. Yes, it is raw and yes it presents in the most cruel ways - my toddler too started 'pouring drinks' and 'walking around with a wine' as though it were just normal...

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  4. That "cruelty" for me was Rilke's Terrible Angel and saved my life. "For beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror we can just barely endure, and we admire it so because it calmly disdains to destroy us. Every angel is terrible." — Rainer Maria Rilke

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  5. That is a wonderful metaphor and so true! Turns out for me, alcohol wasn't the spice of life, sobriety is

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  6. Nodding emphatically with mouth full.

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  7. I like how so many things have an invisible line to be crossed - a point of no return.

    But with staying sober, it's completely different. the opportunity to fall is there everyday...

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  8. Seeing as I have never been drunk I feel like I have missed out on this super happiness. I am sad though today, though it is kind of a joke my friend put homeless bum as his job on fb at 3am this morning.

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