Only Waiting

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

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Driving around town this week I was conscious of not driving like an alcoholic.  Like tailgating or being impatient or taking extra risks.  So I deliberately repeated "there is no rush" to myself, even when I was delivering eleven Father's Day gifts on Friday afternoon.  And home with plenty of time for an afternoon nap before my wife and kids returned.  My old alcoholic Friday afternoon was a heart-bending rush to get that first drink in around lunchtime.

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In a great place today - calm, walking around the beach with my daughters, tending my tree ferns and chickens, and just soaking up the first Saturday of Spring.  Saw myself last weekend saying I would never drink again, and compared drinking to something you sort of retire from as you get older - like eating greasy food or smoking or playing computer games.  Said this to a beer-drinking friend at a barbeque, thinking "Am I being arrogant - or just sensible?"

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Had a haircut and the hairdresser said it was nearly 'wine o'clock'.   Said I'd stopped drinking four months ago.  She crinkled her nose and caught my eye in the mirror as hairdressers do.  "So what do your friends think?"  And I lied a little bit, 'cause to be honest I don't care what my friends think.  I just don't drink from here on.  Simple.

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Father's Day is a meal out on Sunday night with the in laws who I haven't sat down with since stopping drinking.  Which will be refreshing for them.  I remember the mother in law having a half bottle of sweet dessert wine on stand-by as a way of delicately 'turning off the drinks' the last few times I was drinking in their presence.  A tried and tested way of slowing down alcoholics in that family without conflict.

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My father and I haven't spoken since my step-father's funeral five years ago.  He was tanned and fit - back in Australia briefly from his home in the foothills of Thailand - and I was a distracted, red-faced drunk.  He taunted me in front of some other relatives and I waved him away, dismissing whatever he was saying and heading outside to smoke and drink some more.  We hadn't talked for about five years previous to this.  His father was a cruel, old drunk.

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Have made some big decisions with the business and am ready to commit to going back to school and starting a new career.  Have reconciled with myself that at 37 I have a good 25 years to offer in my new career.  So here comes landscape architect and there goes small business owner.  Is a paradigm shift for sure, but this is what will challenge me and I can't think of a better way to grow older than working with plants and the built environment.

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Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise