Self Sabotage 101

Speaking in public is second only in fear to death?

I was afraid of being successful and being under the spotlight.

Becoming successful meant I would be under more scrutiny.

And then people would see me as myself.

But I hated myself.

So I got stuck and drank and drank and waited  - like ten years.

Success = Revealing that I hated myself.

Wow.  Bam.

Then it all came to an end.

I was lying there, doctor's peeking at me behind the curtain, nurses disdainfully tsk tsking, and family a million miles away - (politely estranged I think I was calling it) - a drip in my vein, trying to ride the pain and somehow re-arrange my brain so that I was self - lovable.

I realized I had to start loving myself.

So as I waited for a taxi to pick me up, still wearing a gown and with little bits of sticky shit up my arms and on my chest, head throbbing, eyes squinting in the bright Australian sunshine, I unclenched.

I unclenched my buttocks, unclenched my shoulders, unclenched my jaws, unclenched my neck, my chest, my eyes - and exhaled and released and unclenched my life.

I was reborn or something in that taxi ride.  I told the driver quite frankly what had happened and where I was at.  He said his brother went through the same thing.  No big deal.

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Right now, I work through the pain everyday.  Face it confront it and work through it.

My latest pain is public speaking.

I've joined a speaking group and once a week we get together and practice speech craft.

It will help me speak cause that's where my business is taking me - I am learning to speak and present in front of an audience.

I'm a big believer in simplicity and stripping away the extras.  That's why public speaking is the ultimate extreme sport.

No equipment - no helmets or protective gear - just you, your body and a room full of expectant strangers.

Welcome to the full body rush of public speaking.

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Look, I'm no longer updating this blog as regularly as before - my mentor has told me only to share the good stuff with people who are willing to commit to you - so if you can't commit to entering an email address and getting an occasional update via email - you can read the less frequent updates here.  There's nothing to fear - it's safe and warm inside, come on, try it...