to have your babies

I'll drown my beliefs
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I've walked away from my career in the last twelve months - it was killing me doing the same thing over and again and I didn't have any passion to work up the ladder.  Plus I was drinking myself to death and drinking at work and it was all bound to somehow end in a big disaster.  So I left in a flurry of recriminations and allegations and now, six months later, the dust has settled and I'm in a really good place.
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I've worked my transition to my new project over the past seven or so years, so I have a business to rely on and a new project to launch into.  It is still energizing to feel the tingle of anxiety knowing I am creating a new business from scratch and I have three kids, a wife and a mortgage relying on this kicking goals.  But I'm diligent and passionate and most importantly sober, so all the dials are pointing in the right direction.


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To have your babies
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Being sober and working on my recovery is all about finding the right times to do things - and doing them regardless of how I am feeling at the time on the day.  There is nothing as comforting as some automaton-like discipline to book end anxiety and self doubt - I know if I just get up, put my shoes on and start walking out the door before I know it I will be halfway through whatever it is and be feeling a lot better.  So I swim in the ocean most mornings, and again most afternoons - just for like five minutes or so - and let the sea water cool my blood down.  It works wonders for clearing my head and re-setting my mind clock.
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I'm not living
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Leaving my old career was hard - I actually didn't mind most of the things about the work - but I knew inside that if I didn't leave and push on into a new project - it was only a few years away before it would be too late.  It was a real struggle to find meaning in the last couple of years - and my drinking escalated accordingly.  I couldn't go on living like that because I was too scared to move on but not confident enough to actually do it.  Living in an anxious, unfulfilled limbo.
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I'm just killing time
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So now I am free of my old job, and as all the literature advises - I am dealing with the "dip in income" or the lag between the end of the old pay and the beginning of the momentum from the new income.  It is an anxious, before the storm feeling, but I am working with the feeling, not fighting it, more enjoying and accepting that little tingle in my belly is the feeling of being alive, or being real and authentic and is just normal.
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There is nothing to fear except life itself - and by relaxing and letting go the fear is less powerful and I can actually concentrate on what I need to do.