Now I have been sober a few weeks it is refreshing to be able to start forward planning again and "get on with it" in a way without thinking that anything I plan for or build towards could be all torn down with one big binge. So I am making plans again which is always nice.
*
At one of the groups I go to they all share what they have done in the past week in terms of drinking and personal stories. This week one lady had had a drink - last week it was another guy, the week before that it was me. (That's why the sober counter is only showing 15 or so - I had a drink after three weeks and then had to reset the counter.)
It's always confronting to see the person fall on her sword and admit she had a drink - and the rest of the group sort of go silent and look at each other. She had tears in her eyes and mourned that she had been sober for 10 weeks prior. Back to day one, babe.
I shared about going to the beach for a bbq with friends. And how I was not part of the conversation - ancient, 'heard-before' stories like going on a detox diet, or dreaming of opening a little shop, or hearing the secondhand story of how so and so did whatever. Like it was ever going to happen or as if there was ever going to be a result. Just that safe, polite chatter about nothing in particular and sharing nothing of any real substance or meaning. What friends do, apparently.
*
Been getting angry at myself and my situation. How I have cheated my potential though drinking, how I have veered drastically off course and now find myself drifting at what is either the beginning of something or the quiet denouement of a story of failure. Being grateful just being here is a start, but there must be some sort of action.
"So," he said, at the end of his presentation, "That's about it for today - any questions?" Looking around the room, putting the cap back on the whiteboard marker, and tapping the pen against this thigh.
"With the brain damage," I started, "you said it's the only part of the body that doesn't repair itself - does that mean I could have some brain damage that is affecting my motivation and ability to plan and stuff ?"
He nodded, "Well, yes,"
"Does it explain like scattered emotions or anything?"
"It could...
*
So I went home and spent some time with my eight month old daughter - rolling around on the floor, playing with her, listening to her gurgling. And simply treasuring the time I have - and how this recovery 2.0 time has given me the opportunity to spend it with her. Stay sober...
*
At one of the groups I go to they all share what they have done in the past week in terms of drinking and personal stories. This week one lady had had a drink - last week it was another guy, the week before that it was me. (That's why the sober counter is only showing 15 or so - I had a drink after three weeks and then had to reset the counter.)
It's always confronting to see the person fall on her sword and admit she had a drink - and the rest of the group sort of go silent and look at each other. She had tears in her eyes and mourned that she had been sober for 10 weeks prior. Back to day one, babe.
I shared about going to the beach for a bbq with friends. And how I was not part of the conversation - ancient, 'heard-before' stories like going on a detox diet, or dreaming of opening a little shop, or hearing the secondhand story of how so and so did whatever. Like it was ever going to happen or as if there was ever going to be a result. Just that safe, polite chatter about nothing in particular and sharing nothing of any real substance or meaning. What friends do, apparently.
*
Been getting angry at myself and my situation. How I have cheated my potential though drinking, how I have veered drastically off course and now find myself drifting at what is either the beginning of something or the quiet denouement of a story of failure. Being grateful just being here is a start, but there must be some sort of action.
"So," he said, at the end of his presentation, "That's about it for today - any questions?" Looking around the room, putting the cap back on the whiteboard marker, and tapping the pen against this thigh.
"With the brain damage," I started, "you said it's the only part of the body that doesn't repair itself - does that mean I could have some brain damage that is affecting my motivation and ability to plan and stuff ?"
He nodded, "Well, yes,"
"Does it explain like scattered emotions or anything?"
"It could...
*
So I went home and spent some time with my eight month old daughter - rolling around on the floor, playing with her, listening to her gurgling. And simply treasuring the time I have - and how this recovery 2.0 time has given me the opportunity to spend it with her. Stay sober...
Well it is my opinion that spending time with an 8 month old baby (especially your own beautiful creation) can make an awful lot right in a messed up world. So glad you are walking it out day by day. :o)
ReplyDeleteI just discovered your blog. I would love to read it in chronological order from day 1. Is there a way to do this? I am a lush and still drinking, trying to find my way to quitting. I was thinking of blogging about my journey and googled blogs on alcoholism and discovered I am not the only drunk on the computer! Does the world need another blog about trying to get sober when there are so many good ones, probably not, but maybe I need to do it for me. Thank you for your candor.
ReplyDeleteGood blog! Like your honesty. Often I find returning to meeting after relapse awful - this actually allows me to carry on drinking longer... that feeling of trying to explain to everyone where you were and the fear of judgment. People say they dont judge but they do. Anyway thanks for the blog. Its a good read!!!
ReplyDeleteOh damn - I forgot to add. I did 14 months before relapsing. I had sponsees and a service position. Was horrific returning to meeting looking like Mike Tyson had been keeping me as a punchbag! Im back now and on 22 days.
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