On Saturday night they are having another party. Turning 40 and all that. S said he wants to do cocaine one last time. K has said to bring all your half empty bottles of spirits for cocktails. People are coming up for the weekend. Kids are being babysat. Plans are in place. It's set to be a late night with all sorts of people from ages ago and with plenty of distractions.
Not going to go.
I want to have control.
Have booked some work for the Saturday and I'll stay home with my daughters.
I want you to notice
When I'm not around.
Imagined myself bumbling around, seeing old friends from a lifetime ago, when I was a numb from alcohol, and I'm not exactly in the mood to unpack my whole giving up drinking story whilst everyone is pinging.
I want a perfect body.
I want a perfect soul.
So it's best not to taunt myself with the smorgasbord of drugs and drink and just stay home and be safe and sober. I'll walk to the beach early Sunday morning, through the rainforest, whilst they are all probably still asleep.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
Not putting myself through public display of restraint and control and denial. I have been through it before and whilst I am a champion and a fucking hero for giving away alcohol - it is not the place to be standing there drinking water whilst everyone else has an appetite for getting smashed. Simply not doing it.
Whatever makes you happy.
Whatever you want.
So I'll just help with the cocktail design (keep it simple - two types of cocktail and no creamy ones - they make everyone sick and are too much washing up). Here's to being free and sober...
Not going to go.
I want to have control.
Have booked some work for the Saturday and I'll stay home with my daughters.
I want you to notice
When I'm not around.
Imagined myself bumbling around, seeing old friends from a lifetime ago, when I was a numb from alcohol, and I'm not exactly in the mood to unpack my whole giving up drinking story whilst everyone is pinging.
I want a perfect body.
I want a perfect soul.
So it's best not to taunt myself with the smorgasbord of drugs and drink and just stay home and be safe and sober. I'll walk to the beach early Sunday morning, through the rainforest, whilst they are all probably still asleep.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
Not putting myself through public display of restraint and control and denial. I have been through it before and whilst I am a champion and a fucking hero for giving away alcohol - it is not the place to be standing there drinking water whilst everyone else has an appetite for getting smashed. Simply not doing it.
Whatever makes you happy.
Whatever you want.
So I'll just help with the cocktail design (keep it simple - two types of cocktail and no creamy ones - they make everyone sick and are too much washing up). Here's to being free and sober...
Bless your heart. Good for you. It takes guts to make decisions that are good for you, no matter what anyone else thinks or wants. The thought of you walking on the beach in the early morning sounds so much better, more healthy, more real, then sleeping in late and being hung over. I am so happy that you are doing what you need to do to be healthy.
ReplyDeleteWalking out of the trees into the beach, when no one else is around is really what it is all about - the silence and the nature-bit and just being alone and sort of exposed to natuire by yourself. It is ...
DeleteNice. I just watched this video with tears building (typical of the new soppy raw me). Such a beautiful song .. such a sad post. I'm sad for you, for all of us, that we have this flaw inside, this broken bit, this point of difference that means we have make ourselves miss out sometimes. It is just sad sometimes isn't it. But you raise a big fat glass of self respect to yourself at home on Saturday night. You raise it high and drink it's sweet nectar. It'll beat any cocktail any day. xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks for being around..
DeleteIt is what my wife said - just becuaw you have this shit going on with alcohol doesn't mean I can't go out every now and then.
She's right.
Maybe I need a new blog on letting people who aren't alcoholics go and have a drink in peace...
Love the Radiohead juxtaposition.
ReplyDeleteThis is the kind of event where I pull out the pie chart. A party like this realistically happens no more than every two weeks (more like once every two months). Anymore frequently than twice a month would make it too routine, not special enough to bring out the normies with such a vengeance to party. Sooooo, looking at the pie chart, it would fall into less than 1% of our lives. Two points:
It is such a small smidgen of time in the grand scheme of things and you have now filled your once "in between parties" time with meaningful things and expanding your inner life as well.
You're living in the 99% of the pie chart instead of living for that tiny sector of the chart: the wild party.
XO
I agree - it is no big deal - but I have spent such a part of my life hankering and dreaming and wishing for those crazy times when everyone else was doing addictive shit just like me and the bad stuff appeared almost normal...
DeleteNow, it is just something I used to do - they can have it anyway, I look stupid in a 80's outfit and all that crap....lol
I can completely relate to that. The day to day cravings to drink are basically gone, but the idea of a party where I can get completely shithoused makes my brain light up like a supernova. But the hangover would be the 9th ring of hell.
DeleteThe feeling of being in control and declining, and being happy and relieved to decline is maybe a greater satisfaction than actually indulging in the addictive stuff?
ReplyDeleteWhen I first stopped drinking I felt the same way you do...not wanting to be the one sitting there drinking water (why can't they ever stock Diet Pepsi) and having to explain why you're only drinking water. I usually got one of two responses. First would be a pity stare followed by a "good for you" and a quick exit OR the "I should probably do that too" while standing there holding there 3rd or 4 th drink. I just give them a smile and no response...after all I have trouble managing my own life, I'm certainly not going to pass judgement on anyone else's.
ReplyDeleteNow however? Saying no is sooooo easy because those parties are such a colossal BORE. Alcohol is what they are about and what makes them fun and I don't drink so I'm staying home. I mean, I've never liked to ski because I hate cold and wet. I'm not going to suddenly feel bad because I can't join the fun just because my friends are going or worse yet, go and be miserable. I'm too old for that shit. Now I do what makes me happy.
I love the idea of a walk on Sunday morning with a clear head and conscience. It feels so much better than a night out with friends that you wouldn't remember anyway!
BANG ON! As usual :)
DeleteLovely... Your time alone sounds so much better to me than a party full of wasted people. I find when I am with really wasted people I feel a sadness about them. Could just be projection, but I feel a bit of them seeming lost. And I wonder how children feel around them. It must be frightening. I am now immensely attracted to people at parties who either drink very little or not at all. There is a solidity to them. A walk on the beach seems hands down the better time.
ReplyDeleteTotally awesome!! I have a friend's 30th birthday and they all know me from my previous drinking ways and I refuse to be around that now. Glad I got to read this post, it helps me not feel guilty about going!
ReplyDeleteIt is all about rest
ReplyDeleteLook at the painful ecstacy at 1.37.
ReplyDelete