Being sober is a million little things. Without the noisy confusion of alcohol, my eyes are open to see those minute moments where the meaning of life is in simply being.
*
I was sitting in the morning sun and my daughter walked over and flopped in my lap, and nestled there. Just lay there, and flicked her hair from the side of her cheek and looked at the trees without saying anything.
A casual moment of trust and confidence that would never have happened when I was all blustery and drunk and too agitated to allow a moment like this to evolve.
She is beginning to see me as something other than a bumbling, scary man, and I am coming to terms with the awesome responsibility of being her father.
*
Giving in to alcohol and accepting that it could no longer be a part of my life has been an awakening for me. And those unsaid gestures of my daughters underline how much of a changed person I am without it.
*
Friends over for dinner and we shared a couple of smoked trout and bottles of rose. Of course I am not drinking and without noticing no one mentions my sobriety anymore, it is just part of the furniture.
And having the inner confidence to say aloud what I think is funny without alcohol is an entirely different headspace to being drunk and just putting it out there.
So I tried my sense of humour and it got a few laughs, which is different for me, as sometimes my irreverent humour takes a bottle or two to kick in. Or I should be saying that finding the platform for humour without being drunk is certainly unfamiliar - as I was so terrified of being a sober bore.
*
Here's to posting more often with more sober observations.
*
I was sitting in the morning sun and my daughter walked over and flopped in my lap, and nestled there. Just lay there, and flicked her hair from the side of her cheek and looked at the trees without saying anything.
A casual moment of trust and confidence that would never have happened when I was all blustery and drunk and too agitated to allow a moment like this to evolve.
She is beginning to see me as something other than a bumbling, scary man, and I am coming to terms with the awesome responsibility of being her father.
*
Giving in to alcohol and accepting that it could no longer be a part of my life has been an awakening for me. And those unsaid gestures of my daughters underline how much of a changed person I am without it.
*
Friends over for dinner and we shared a couple of smoked trout and bottles of rose. Of course I am not drinking and without noticing no one mentions my sobriety anymore, it is just part of the furniture.
And having the inner confidence to say aloud what I think is funny without alcohol is an entirely different headspace to being drunk and just putting it out there.
So I tried my sense of humour and it got a few laughs, which is different for me, as sometimes my irreverent humour takes a bottle or two to kick in. Or I should be saying that finding the platform for humour without being drunk is certainly unfamiliar - as I was so terrified of being a sober bore.
*
Here's to posting more often with more sober observations.
This post brought tears to my eyes. And also, bores are the best company. Cheers!
ReplyDeleteEach of us find our own way to a better life. Mine is in Alcoholics Anonymous. But if someone has a better way for them, I say, WUNDERBAR!
ReplyDeleteYour journey to 'freedom' is interesting...and helpful. Thank you...and thanks for visiting mine!
I had one of those moments on Saturday evening. I was in Fire Island NY, sitting on the shore listening to the waves crash against the beach and was able to look at the past year and see how rich my life has become...my sobriety is also like the furniture in the room - it is just another part of me...
ReplyDelete@ Writing - thanks for being so candid. It is revelatory for me to be writing this each time. My wife stumbled across it the other day and says she can't read it anymore because it upsets here that I was so fucked up - it brings it all back up for her.
ReplyDelete@ Steve E - Thank you for being tolerant of my wariness, I'll go to a meeting someday soon...
@ Daniel - Being mindful and in the moment is such a brilliant part of being sober - I think back to all that anxiety and agitation of being 'undrunk' and the rush to get 'redrunk' and how exhausting it all was. Never again I promise.