This is unpublished from September 9, 2010.
Just bounced off 18 days straight drinking and am feeling low and exhausted. Can't even think of anything positive.
Dozens of brown, green and clear glass bottles clinking in the garbage bin, under the bed, in the bushes, under the lounge, in the garage behind things, in drawers, cupboards - everywhere I look.
And strips of paracetamol, three tabs for waking, two more an hour later, with a skull from a bottle of cheap merlot hidden behind the fridge - nearly coughing when the dead fly in it tickles my throat - but gag, my eyes watering, gag, and make a choking, strangling sound as a I force myself to swallow.
And just sit there and feel disabled - like I am sort of waiting to be a bit more sober so getting drunk will be 'fun' again. Here's the cycle - get drunk enough, but just drunk enough to feel 'alright' and try to walk that tightrope between drinking all the time so as to stay just at that 'alright' feeling. Fucking exhausting.
Just bounced off 18 days straight drinking and am feeling low and exhausted. Can't even think of anything positive.
So this is the bottom of the cycle.
Fat, lethargic, irritable, seething, short of breath, depressed, ashamed...
Dozens of brown, green and clear glass bottles clinking in the garbage bin, under the bed, in the bushes, under the lounge, in the garage behind things, in drawers, cupboards - everywhere I look.
And strips of paracetamol, three tabs for waking, two more an hour later, with a skull from a bottle of cheap merlot hidden behind the fridge - nearly coughing when the dead fly in it tickles my throat - but gag, my eyes watering, gag, and make a choking, strangling sound as a I force myself to swallow.
And just sit there and feel disabled - like I am sort of waiting to be a bit more sober so getting drunk will be 'fun' again. Here's the cycle - get drunk enough, but just drunk enough to feel 'alright' and try to walk that tightrope between drinking all the time so as to stay just at that 'alright' feeling. Fucking exhausting.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Join my email list here