|Speaking in public is second only in fear to death?|
I was afraid of being successful and being under the spotlight.
Becoming successful meant I would be under more scrutiny.
And then people would see me as myself.
But I hated myself.
So I got stuck and drank and drank and waited - like ten years.
Success = Revealing that I hated myself.
Then it all came to an end.
I was lying there, doctor's peeking at me behind the curtain, nurses disdainfully tsk tsking, and family a million miles away - (politely estranged I think I was calling it) - a drip in my vein, trying to ride the pain and somehow re-arrange my brain so that I was self - lovable.
I realized I had to start loving myself.
So as I waited for a taxi to pick me up, still wearing a gown and with little bits of sticky shit up my arms and on my chest, head throbbing, eyes squinting in the bright Australian sunshine, I unclenched.
I unclenched my buttocks, unclenched my shoulders, unclenched my jaws, unclenched my neck, my chest, my eyes - and exhaled and released and unclenched my life.
I was reborn or something in that taxi ride. I told the driver quite frankly what had happened and where I was at. He said his brother went through the same thing. No big deal.
Right now, I work through the pain everyday. Face it confront it and work through it.
My latest pain is public speaking.
I've joined a speaking group and once a week we get together and practice speech craft.
It will help me speak cause that's where my business is taking me - I am learning to speak and present in front of an audience.
I'm a big believer in simplicity and stripping away the extras. That's why public speaking is the ultimate extreme sport.
No equipment - no helmets or protective gear - just you, your body and a room full of expectant strangers.
Welcome to the full body rush of public speaking.
Look, I'm no longer updating this blog as regularly as before - my mentor has told me only to share the good stuff with people who are willing to commit to you - so if you can't commit to entering an email address and getting an occasional update via email - you can read the less frequent updates here. There's nothing to fear - it's safe and warm inside, come on, try it...