Now I'm a very impatient person.
I still decide my way home each day by which light is green, so I don't have to wait at lights.
If it's a green arrow, I'll go that way. Each day has a different drive home.
Impatient like not bothering to read fiction anymore, in case I spend time reading the first thirty pages and then it sucks. Or hire a DVD in case it sucks, and have a late fee.
Or fuck around trying to get drugs when I used to do drugs - I couldn't be bothered fucking around with all the organizing and the cash and the meeting and the talking to some dopehead as if I give a fuck. So I went off drugs. But alcohol - it was always there, easy, drive through, no need for a fridge, go to a different bottleshop each day, do it alone, no need to make smalltalk.
So impatient that having gone sober now for eighty odd days, I expect, no I feel
entitled to some sort of revelation. Like something should scream out to me and declare that my new sober life should be - ta daa! What? Um, it hasn't happened yet.
So I'm teetering on the edge of some midwinter blues, just to sully my sobriety.
And I don't want to talk about it and I am sort of not giving a fuck.
It's just that I have a GOAL VOID at the moment. That's what I call it, when I drank I used to have a daily carnival reward of sloshing glorious Hunter Valley Shiraz or South Australian Merlot or Coonanwarra Cab Sauv into big globular goblets and strutting around the house or my garden with some insane drunken thought process going on. It was comforting and a reward in itself.
So I looked forward to it each and every day. Now, without that afternoon tingle, I am at a crossroads and the fear of making a decision is fucking paralyzing. Like-lying-in-bed-with-the-covers-up-re-reading-old-books-paralyzing.
So I've been going around half pissed off at everyone and the world because I am too scared to jump and make a decision. And my impatience is killing me for it. I need a direction and a decision but fear is stopping me and the impatience is making it just completely fucking bullshit.