Last 100 Days as an Alcoholic: When did I realise I was an alcoholic?

Last 100 Days as an Alcoholic: When did I realise I was an alcoholic?

When did I realise I was an alcoholic?

Well the story goes that I used to go up to the movie theatres with a few mates and we would pool all our money and then buy like 150ml bottles of Jim Beam or Southern Comfort. I was fourteen at the time. The person who bought the drink was most usually me, as for some reason I "looked older" or more likely the woman at the bottle shop simply turned a blind eye.

So we would scurry down away from the theatre and with a can of coke or sprite drink our bourbon in horrible burning gulps followed by cooling slurps of soft drink. My eyes would water, my mouth would sting, but I would have this overwhelming feeling of warmth and strength and like a lighglobe had gone off in my head like a PING!

Some of my mates would vomit soon after, or stagger away and vomit where they would not be seen, but not me. I would keep the whole stinking mixture of bourbon and coke in my stomach and breathe shallow and pant so that it would stay down.

After a cigarette or two, I would be ready to stand up; I was even careful to not spit out a single drip of the stringy saliva from my mouth for fear of losing some of the impact! Then, bolstered with a flush of dutch courage, we would tramp up to the theatre and try to coax other young teen girls into fooling around with us.

It was a crude, rushed introduction to sex and was more about the deception and trickery than the actual getting some sexual action. Looking back, it was quite disappointing and basically brazen stupidity. But hey, I was an alcoholic just learning the ropes.

One Week Sober

Well, phew, one week sober, can't say that I haven't been counting the days at some points, but it is indeed one full week without a drop of alcohol of any sort.

And just to prove the point, I have committed to antabuse daily so even if I do succumb and have a drink I will be violently ill as the alcohol will process into some sort of acetylene (like nail polish remover) and I will feel an urge to regurgitate it. So that's a pretty strong incentive to not drink.

Only, over the Easter weekend it was my wife's birthday and we all went out to a fine restaurant Bistro Tartine and I watched as they drank Reisling, then Merlot, then Shiraz. It was odd at first but I loosened up when I took a valium (these were prescribed by my doctor for anxiety and delerium tremens)and we all managed to have a good night. I even went along for a cocktail afterwards (chai tea) and then to the nightclub where it is always weird to be sober.

Then, the day after that, it was Anzac Day, a traditionally big drinking day where everyone gambles on two up and drinks copious amounts of beer. Instead, I was down the backyard digging holes for the new chicken house. It is amazing how much productive work I can get done when I am not hung over or starting drinking mid morning.



Next day was another public holiday, so was up early and had concreted the footings and the wire into the ground by lunchtime. I hope there is enough security for the chooks so the fox can't get to them.


Had so much energy, and had that curious feeling of strength that I went over and cleared the pumpkin and watermelon patch that had started to go off seeing it is the beginning of autumn. There were so many little froglets and legless lizards in there it was amazing! Now I need to find something to plant there for a winter crop - any suggestions?


Went to the library yesterday and borrowed heavily on alcoholism and addiction recovery - will be featuring a few of the most salient points I get from the articles over the next few days. In the meantime, here's to being clear-headed, calm and sleeping a lot.

Oh, I forgot - I am having 5mg of Valium each afternoon at four and am having the most relaxing deep sleeps I have had for literally decades! Just last night I slept from 730pm to 11pm, woke up on the lounge, then went into the bedroom and slept through until 7am! For sure i have been doing a bit of physical work in the garden, but these nearly 12 hour nightly sleeps are exactly what I need.

It is like I am catching up on all those nights bumbling around the house at 1am trying to screw the cap off a bottle of vodka quietly so my wife wouldn't hear. Sheesh. Sleep is such a better option.

Is Antabuse The Answer to Alcohol Addiction

Well, had an invention-style meeting with my GP and wife today, with the kids running around the office as we talked alcohol addiction. Very confronting but also very real, I know what I wanted, my wife knew what she was there for and the doctor was open to listen to our experiences.


I have been thinking about my abstinence and relapse cycles and this time approached my alcohol experience with my previously successful smoking addiction. I appreciate that they are completely different animals, and that smoking and alcohol have all their peculiarities and differences - but for me i was trying to strip them back to what they essentially are - an addiction.
I'd love to hear from you if you blog too br3nmurphy@gmail.com

And my understanding and experience of addiction is stripped back to a fundamental chemical reaction that pings in my brain and acts a triggers behavior to continuing smoking or continuing drinking. It is a chemical, physical compulsion at its base level, even thought of course there are other "higher" layers of psychological and emotional need driving it as well.

So I asked for a scrip for Antabuse, and I have thirty days supply. I will be treated with nausea if I consume alcohol. Simple as that. So there's that strong negative in place, which takes care of the weakness and deceit of my drinking; no more just having a beer on the way home, or knocking back the half drunk glass of wine from the night before first thing in the morning.

So here goes and I am very positive and confident that with the power of a deterrent like nausea I will be well equipped to deal with the other triggers that I use to drink. It is amazing how often I rationalise the fear of being sober and tired and irritable as a reason to buy a few bottles of beer and wine "just in case".

Bren Murphy - Author Website
My Author Bren Murphy website
Care to Share your story?  I'd love to help...
Share you alcoholic story - anonymously is you wish...
And all the things I said nearly a year ago at the beginning of end 100 days to go still apply, just that I have wasted nearly year going through the motions to arrive at this point.

Here's  the best of this blog - my personal journey for you to discover.  If you've got a minute - connect and share.

http://soberin100days.blogspot.com.au/2011/11/when-youve-given-up-drink-and-those.html

http://soberin100days.blogspot.com.au/2011/04/one-week-sober.html

http://soberin100days.blogspot.com.au/2011/10/simple-honesty.html

http://soberin100days.blogspot.com.au/2011/08/friday-drinks-after-work.html

http://soberin100days.blogspot.com.au/2012/05/she-lives-with-broken-man.html


http://soberin100days.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/134th-post.html

Thank you for visiting. please leave a comment and share what you think...

Regards
Bren Murphy



Now we are at day five

Is getting better waking up each morning feeling fresh and alert and not tonguing for liquids.
Have been feeling a lot calmer and more patient which is also another sign of losing the heat and anger of alcohol from my system.

There is the major issue of finding something else to do with my time - as for example usually on a weekend I would be drinking around lunchtime at keep going until Sunday night. Now, with the whole long afternoon and evening stretching out in front of me, it is sort of overwhelming. But that's not to say it is not something I should embrace and enjoy - I mean after all it is not as if I have to dig holes or shovel shit - it is just that I have to stay sober and be with myself for that time.

Funny how being sober shows how unbearable I find myself - even for ME!! Like, I should be able to tolerate myself and just be normal but it is genuinely a new experience. I can only imagine how frustrating and infuriating I must be for others who have had to operate around me.

Anyway, I am trying not to over think this and be simple and straightforward - it is not an impossible task, it is just not drinking.

Read somewhere in regards to giving up cigarettes, if you look at it as a huge insurmountable personal issue, then it soon becomes that and you virtually set yourself up for relapse and failure. So, whilst being aware and definitely not complacent, I am just going to work on it myself daily.

I know my weak time is driving home; When I am tired, and my attitude can slip and I can fall into self-pity and just drop by the bottleshop and buy two bottles of wine, or three bottles of beer and some wine.

I can slip into an autonomous state where I just go through the motions of lining up, paying, driving home, and then quickly pouring myself three or huge goblets of "affordable" wine, and then, with a grimace on my face, slurping them down before I do anything.

Urgh! Can't believe I have done this for so long. It is a testament more to good luck and fortuitous management than hard work and dedication that I still have a business and a home and a few relationships left.

Anyway, more soon...

Still going have had three days off

Took three days off alcohol as had drunk seven bottles of red over Saturday and Sunday.
Shameful.